Can't enjoy sex without being drunk?
I was wondering if anyone else has this problem. I can only very rarely enjoy sex unless I'm drunk. If this happens to you, how do you deal with it? Just get drunk all the time? That pretty much rules out Sunday-Thursday sex for me, because I have 8am classes on during the week and just can't pay attention if I've been drunk the night before. Plus, it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable, because he drinks but I get drunk way faster (mostly because it's my goal, in order to have sex).
I don't know why this is, but my thoughts are one of two things:
(1) the bf isn't.... very experienced, and he finishes.... pretty quickly (orgasms on my part are rare), and the durnkness adds a whole dimension of... disorientation, where I don't know where I am let alone where he is, or what I'm touching, or what he's going to be touching, and it just makes everything surprising and more exciting, and it's that psychological aspect which does the trick.
(2) I was raped by a previous bf and lots of times just something touches something in some way that reminds me of it and I just become scared. This happens to varying degrees; usually it happens and I can just switch positions so that I'm on top and calling the shots, and that sort of convinces my body's instincts that I'm not being raped--sometimes though we have to pause or stop altogether.
Any ideas? Anybody have something similar happen? It's totally a drag, because the bf gets to come every time, but I gotta be drunk for an orgasm!
i can kinda understand where u r coming from but in the respect of maybe it makes u feel more comfortable, less self conscience when u r drinking? i know earlier on in life most (okay almost all) sexual encounters were when i was buzzing so i didn't feel so uncomfortable...
how long have u been with your boyfriend? for me i feel the uncomfortableness decreases over time... and btw if i am piss drunk there is no way i can orgasm so lucky for u... maybe try just getting a "buzz" so u can still have the comfort factor minus the hangover next day... so drink a bit slower and not as much
boys r lucky in that respect as they can always seem to get off... i can't especially if i am sloshed :(
ugh i don't know then... have u talked with anyone to try to resolve these "issues" about the whole rape thing? i have never been raped so i cannot comment on that though being in some similar situations that have made me uncomfortable around older men... maybe if possible he can hold "hold on" longer so that u both find pleasure without drinking? i dunno sorry i am not much help
To me, it sounds like you need to see a trauma counselor to help you deal with your rape. I've had similar flashbacks with my previous traumas....but loving, understanding and communication on both mine and my partner's part, along with plenty of talking with objective outsiders has helped me tons, where I haven't had a flashback in over a year.
There's also documented cases where after trauma (sometimes years) women's vaginas tighten/shrink and basically go into survivor mode. This happened to me after my ex raped me.
You need to get the help you deserve and require. It is obvious the rape is still preventing you from enjoying life. It will take time, there will be tears and more than likely outbursts of rage with ranting and screaming. In the end, however, you will come out a stronger person. The trauma never disappears, but the after effects do lessen after time.
DITTO on counseling.
Also tell him to do some research online about what women like on non pornographic sites. Or if you wanna be more subtle about it, Move his hand to the appropriate venue (aka clit) during love making and be sure to let him know you like it. Hubs uses his fingers as well during love making and I orgasm. Every. time. sometimes more than once.
Deffinitely counseling, and after a while, when you are comfortable, I suggest having your parter come with you to a few sessions as a support and to talk some things out together. My husb and I did this and it helps, he knows what I went through and how to help me if I have those flashback moments.
My husb is a fast finisher, too, and we have been together 8 years! Foreplay, Foreplay FOREPLAY. All for you, I have to be damn ready to explode before vaginal penetration or I get nothing. We also use vibrators, and even though I am permanently done with kids, no need for BC, we use textured condoms sometimes to up my sensation while lessening his. A numbing creme (prescrip) for him also can help.
I would suggest not having sex and focus on other ways he can pleasure you without alcohol, just by touching, to let him learn more about what you like.
It seems like the alcohol is actually distancing you from him at least emotionally during the sex act, the closer you feel to him while sober, the better the sex is. He may also be feeling that separation and that gives him less incentive to want to make you feel good.
Therapy to get over the past trauma.
Books and research on sex.
And maybe just, I dunno, Talk To Him about it!
If he doesnt know what else to do then show him. Or explore together.
Books and research on sex.
One time I was contemplating having someone and I write short erotica stories. My thought process is that the stories would be filled with what each of us thought was sexy and hot, so it'd be instructive, but in the end I wasn't interested enough to put in the effort. During that time, in a search for how to write erotica, I stumbled across literotica. It's a website where users submit stories, but they have a How To section and a couple of the articles were about how to write stories.
HH you have more awesome "one time I was going to" and "daydreams" than anyone I know! If only you followed through with these things.....you'd probably be famous. :)
Dratted lack of motivation! http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p205/GuitarMan7685/icon_shakes_fist.gif
I'm totally: He wanted a 13 but they drew a 31.
Rock on HH!!! I actually did try my hand at writing erotica and have 2 stories up on a site that I like. /giggle
I'm in a similar boat. It isn't that I can't "enjoy" it per say but I can't "get there" without being drunk. I don't really deal with it to be honest. I know my husband felt badly when he realized it but we've talked about the whole situation and he understands it isn't him. I've spoken with my doctor about it and she wasn't very helpful. I get drunk maybe once every 4-6 months but I'm ok with that.
Talk to your BF about your feelings and thoughts, it might help. I second talking to a professional about your past. Being honest with your BF is very important and will likely help to strengthen your bond. I remember how hard it was to talk to my hubby (then BF) about it but in the end it helped so much.
The last time I *had* to be drunk to enjoy sex I decided it was time to leave the person. You've got a lot more history than I did(do). I would seek some professional guidance as there are most def underlying issues that you might be dealing with.
Alcohol is always the answer.
Alcohol is always the answer.
i was waiting for u to chime in... lol
I have to say that it sounds like a relaxation problem. From your past trauma you have a lot of nervousness about sex, and alcohol numbs that for you. Since he isn't much in the stamina department, you should try to have him help you relax before you even get started. Take a bath, light some candles, put on soothing music, maybe some massage. Sometimes it's nice for the person to tell you in detail everything they want to do to you. This would serve two purposes, 1: it's a turn on and 2: you wouldn't be nervous about what he was going to do because it's all mapped out beforehand. Finally, I really think you should consider bringing a toy into the mix. Get a small vibrator and put it right on the clitoris during penetration. If all of this hurts his "manhood", explain to him that you need his help to get over the anxiety that stems from intercourse after your rape. This should make him a lot more understanding, and sex a lot more enjoyable. Even if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your liver. :) Good luck!!