NVR question *not for conservative eyes*
So I want to start of by saying I don't wanna be preached at or told I'm going to hell or anything else, I'm just confused and I think some people on this site could be really helpful.
I'm married, and have been for almost a year. My hubby is amazing, and I'm madly in love with him. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm bi-curious. I don't use the term bi-sexual because I've never had a sexual experience with a woman. I would like to though, and I have a friend in mind who is also in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, but she is also bi-curious.
I've discussed this with hubby, and he'd be cool with me having a gf. I mean, he's not being all like "dude...can I watch", and "can we have threesomes" about it either. He says he'd like to know my partner, but the sex part should be kept private. He's okay with it because he would still be my main sexual partner, and because he say she'd be offering me something he can't give me. He said he;d only be pissed or hurt if I was wanting to be with another guy.
So. Is there ANYONE out there in this same situation that could offer advice? What kind of arrangements with your spouses have/have not worked? How do I even go about figuring this out with my female friend? Am i just.... really weird? I dunno. I just need some kind of input without having to out myself in my community. This is all really new to me.
Wow these forums keep getting better & better!
Ok, seriously: There is nothing wrong with your feelings, you shouldn't feel embarrassed or weird at all. I have mixed feelings on this subject and am uncomfortable giving you advice for your situation. I'm sure things like this work in some relationships, but they often do not work in others. I can only project how I feel from my own situations & experiences.
I was previously in a relationship where had a few 3-somes with other women. Unfortunately, things did not work out. It was an immature & unhealthy relationship anyway, but I think these sexual encounters further complicated things & added to our problems. I suppose I can go into more details on the problems it caused, but I don't really think I need to right now.
In my current relationship, we discussed the idea and he agreed that if I wanted to see another woman I could, but he did not need to be there, or if he was there he would not need to participate. I ultimately decided that not only did I not want to repeat history, but I wouldn't be comfortable without him being there, because I would still feel like I was cheating. And I was really happyin our relationship the way it was and I didn't want to risk ruining it. I am still very happy in my relationship and am glad that I never did complicate things by trying to bring in a third party.
Pursuing this could really complicate things. Your husband could start to feel jealous or resentful even though he doesn't think he will. Your friend may become more attached to you, or you to her than the other prefers. You might even start to second guess your husband's feelings for you since he doesn't have a problem with "sharing" you. There is really a lot to think about before acting on these feelings.
The ads this thread is causing are...different.
I agree with L&D. I would be very cautious and try to figure out if the ends would justify the means.
i would just like to say you are lucky to have a hubby who is so open minded. i'm bi-curious as well and the only way my boyfriend will have another girl around is if she's with both of us. which i don't want, because i'm afraid then i would get jealous. i know, it's a double standard on my part. oh well.
anyway... good luck.
I have several feelings on this.
First and foremost, you should definitely not feel weird or embarrassed.
Part of me feels like it's not quite right for a person to be ok with a second relationship with a person of one sex..but not the other. But..I guess that's another discussion...
I have had some experience with this (in PAST relationships), and it really caused a lot of problems (on several different occasions). Really, a lot of it is similar to what Lisa explained. I think it's just something you REALLY need to discuss (all facets) thoroughly before you decide you want to do it. Since it seems there are several people involved (you, your husband, your partner, her sig. other)..it can become very complicated, very easily. It's really hard to be able to try to think about all of the situations/feelings that could arise from this..before hand. Any one of you could become hurt, sad, jealous, mad, curious, confused, etc..
That being said, if you have discussed it with all parties (have you said anything to her?)..and everyone is comfortable with it..then the only thing to do is to try. You just have to stay completely open, and COMMUNICATE. Everyone has to communicate all feelings. That's the only way anything can really work..
In terms of talking to her, I would just be open and honest. Tell her how you feel, and your ideas..and be sure to say that if she's not open to it..then it's not going to change your feelings about her, friendship-wise (if that's the truth).
I say go for it. You only live once. Better to regret things you HAVE done than to regret things you HAVEN"T. ;)b
Better to regret things you HAVE done than to regret things you HAVEN"T. ;)b
I have not (yet) been in this situation, but know many people who have/are. It can work but I think everyone involved has to be very straightforward about intentions, boundaries etc. and be honest if there are any issues arising from it (jealousy, safety issues, etc). I think you should feel like you can explore if you want to. It can just be hard to negotiate the communication needed between everyone. good luck :)
I have found it can work but it is hard and gets complicated and can get complicated when you aren't expecting it or in the heat of the moment and that's hard. Not to dissuade the interest but it helps to be open and honest with everyone and agree especially with your partner/spouse that honesty comes first and not to be afraid to speak up with hesitations, etc. A book I loved in my more explorative days was The Ethical Slut - it makes a lot of sense and spoke to many of my own struggles, interests, etc.
i've been in open relationships before and communication really is key - you don't want to assume that people have the same ideas/understandings of the situation as you. i think the ability to be open in honest about your feelings with your hubby is fantastic (i theorize this as "radical monogamy" but that's me being an academic :-*). i've found the only times i've had issues is when there wasn't transparency in what was going on.
it sounds like the situation you are in with your also-married friend is a good one as long as you are both happy with your marriages because you won't have to deal with the "third wheel" issue that can become a problem. just make sure you stay tested and use protection ;)b being with girls is ubber-fun.
I'm bisexual, but I've only ever been with my boyfriend. He has, from time to time, questioned whether or not I can know if I'm really bisexual if I've never had an experience (not just sexual, but also romantic) with another woman. My first year in college it seemed like he WANTED me to "experiment" with another woman. But, I can't help but feel that he has some perverted motivations, and honestly it's hard to prove that there's not a smidgen of that going on. Also, I don't really feel the need to explore. I know a lot of other people (not bisexual, but hetero and homosexual) do feel the need to explore anyway, but I never have... I think I'm actually the weird one in this respect. I think my boyfriend's kind of given up on this, as I've adamantly pushed away the idea time and time again.
That being said, I think it's totally normal to be bi-curious. As far as how to handle the situation, I personally have no idea, but these other people seem to have some good ones :)
eta: there's got to be some bi-curious conservatives out there. I KNOW it.