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Open letters

Seeing as we've got confessions and problems and issues springing up in threads all over the shop, I thought it might be interesting to have an open letter thread. Cathartic, perhaps. From your mother ruining your wedding, to your boyfriend who can't stop peeing on the toilet seat, or even that guy on the bus who kept making that annoying noise with his mouth, get it out here.

I'll get the ball rolling.

To my dear darling boyfriend,

Just because you are technically 'clean' when you come out the shower, it doesn't mean that I am okay with using the same towel you've been rubbing all over yourself for a month. I know you have others. I bought you two myself. Drag them out from the murky depths of the laundry basket, wash them and allow me the temporary use of a clean one.

Love, Cat

dear unwanted roommate:

you have been with us for almost 2 months now, which is one month longer than you said you would stay.  please stop going to bars every night and spending your money there instead of saving it for an apartment, like you said you were going to do all along.  also, it would be nice if you would actually LOOK for an apartment, instead of asking me to do it for you. 

GET OUT!

sincerely,
j.

oh and dear bf,

thank you so much for inviting your friend to stay with us.  it has been great!  oh wait, no it hasn't at all...  in fact, it's made me depressed/anxious to even go home after work every day, knowing that there is a stranger in my house all the time.  yes, you live with me and i wholly recognize the fact that our apartment is yours as well.  however, my name is on the lease, and if my landlord found out either one of you was staying with me, my ass would be on the line. 

pls to be moor conziderate, thnks.
j.

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Dear George Bush (Jr.),

Please go back to school.

Sincerely,
Charbot

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Dear George Bush (Jr.),

Please go back to school.

Sincerely,
Charbot

So he can do more coke?

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Dear Bladder,

You need to be stronger so that you don't have to pee every ten minutes, k thanks bye!

love,
ariana

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Dear George Bush (Jr.),

Please go back to school and get an education this time around.

Sincerely,
Charbot

So he can do more coke?

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Dear Wii Fit board,

I'm sorry that I never bought the protective cover for you. I'm sure you don't enjoy having feet prints stained on your white plastic skin. I try to wipe you off, but you are tattooed. Additionally, I wish you had a larger vocabulary.

-AC (you know me as Weasiepea)

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Dear body,

STOP IT.

Cat.

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To my Latissimus Dorsi, greeting:

What did I ever do to you to make you hurt me like this? If I can't even carry the shopping up 2 flights, you are in major trouble. Or rather I am.

Treat me the way you want to be treated, muscles mine.

Not so much love,
Me

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Dear George Bush (Jr.),

Please go back to school.

Sincerely,
Charbot

So he can do more coke?

I would do coke with GWB.

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Dear George Bush (Jr.),

Please go back to school.

Sincerely,
Charbot

So he can do more coke?

I would do coke with GWB.

haha.  that would be fucking weird/crazy/mindblowing

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Dear George Bush (Jr.),

Please go back to school.

Sincerely,
Charbot

So he can do more coke?

I would do coke with GWB.

haha.  that would be fucking weird/crazy/mindblowing

Right?! I don't even do coke,but I would.... with GWB. Wanna join?  :)>>>

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Dear IBS-
Why oh WHY must you have fits after my favorite indian feast the night before. I show you much love with tasty, yet spicy, indian feast and you cause me great pain the next day. Tonight I will feed you bland, veg shepard's pie..... I hope this will make you happy and the fits will stop..... IBS you are so needy....

with (not so much) love-
PB

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Dear Creepy MySpace Stalker--

Stop.

Thank you!

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Dear Creepy MySpace Stalker--

Stop.

Thank you!

you have a my space stalker? yikes... :o

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Dear George Bush (Jr.),

Please go back to school.

Sincerely,
Charbot

So he can do more coke?

I would do coke with GWB.

haha.  that would be fucking weird/crazy/mindblowing

Right?! I don't even do coke,but I would.... with GWB. Wanna join?  :)>>>

only for you georgie!  heh

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AG-
*This* is why I haven't gotten in touch with you in a week. You are PLAYING GAMES WITH ME and you know I don't deal with that bullshit. See you around.
-S

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Dear students,

i don't know how i can help you more. i do care and i do try. when i found the highest grade on your test (which i gave a study guide, allowed crib sheets, AND made it "more transparent" than the lasts) i about cried when the high score was 55%. i don't understand. do you read your books at all? do you read the questions? i feel like you are not putting any time into your studies. it makes me sad/mad/angry. please try to get your studies together.

thanks, and let me know if you have questions,
your (grossly underpaid) instructor

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dear c.b.i.h.a.c.o.:

i'm scared and anxious, but thoroughly enjoying every interaction.  i hope this doesn't wind up hurting but maintaining its super feel-good excitement.  i like the giddiness.  i hope i don't succumb to too much distraction, but you keep creeping into my mind. 

nervously into it,
q.b.

dear professor of horrible final:

holy cow!  that was a shitton of writing and a whole lot of pressure!  the final essay was a real kicker.  i hope you grade the exam essays more leniently than our out-of-class essays and research paper; it was just a heckuvalot to cram into one final.  but i'm so glad it's done - no offense to you. 

i did all the readings and all the homework all semester long,
q.b.

dear awesome and amazing sibling:

i am so proud of you.  you totally rule and i love you so much my heart wants to burst.  i can't wait to have a beer with you.  i hope you remain strong and on your righteous path, in touch with your potential and the real you.  you are going to have an amazing life; i hope you realize that.

the most love on the planet,
q.b.

dear tecate:

thank you for waiting for me, patiently chill, while i took that exam.  let's totally hang out.

love,
q.b.

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dear tecate:

thank you for waiting for me, patiently chill, while i took that exam.  let's totally hang out.

love,
q.b.

This is a beautiful letter.

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Dear Creepy MySpace Stalker--

Stop.

Thank you!

you have a my space stalker? yikes... :o

Yeah...a little bit...hoping they are mostly harmless *eek*!

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