how is everyone doing? - eating disorders
I was just browsing around and I found this thread http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=15671.0
... I was surprised. there seems to be a relation to veganism/vegetarianism and eds. I'm scared to do this, but I'll just put it out there too - I also have an eating disorder. I'm interested to know how everyone is doing.
I'm at a better place now because I've found something to look forward to, and to live for. that's, I think, the most valuable thing. we all need a passion. writing, journalism - that's my passion. it feels right to me. my struggles with food are just getting in the way of my life and what I want to do with my life.
from reading the thread, I feel like I'm a part of an "us." I'm not the only vegan who deals with this kind of thing.
so, how is everyone doing?
i am not doing so good. because of my depression, though. it makes my ED worse, causes me to binge
i just today got a new therapist (in addition to my primary doctor/therapist) but don't get my first appointment until 2 weeks from now.
the fight (or as my doctor called it today "the suffering") has been getting steadily worse despite my efforts to avoid it, and i have been thinking a lot about suicide lately. didn't help my BF and i almost broke up.
weight wise... i'm going down and haven't been the weight i am today in a very long time. right now i am 112 and i didn't think i would ever get past 114 so that made me happy and extremely relieved, but at the same time... i'm too exhausted from it all right now to really care about anything...
sariea,
when I was reading through the thread, one thing I noticed was that you have an incredible head on your shoulders. you're dealing with all this, but have great insight and offered others really sound advice - to get help, out patient programs etc. I can tell you're a kind person, but also a logical person.
I'm dealing with things when it comes to food too. I don't like my body - the way it was when I was heavier, and the way it is now. 112 lbs would be amazing for me right now - my body probably wants to be at 130-140 - I was a chubby kid. that's terrifying but something I can only deal with if it ever happens. I'm at my lowest weight, and I'm noticing it - how thin I am. it's not something to want to be. looking emaciated is not beautiful. 112 lbs - and more, much more - is beautiful.
I don't really know what to say. I wish I could offer some inspiring advice, but I don't know if I can. like I said before, I think I've found something to be passionate about. I have a real reason to get out of bed. I feel like there's something "bigger" for me to do now.
bigger, ha ha. not really funny.
I wish I could be of more help...
it's alright. having a purpose or a goal is something that i need. i don't have it, which confuses people often.
i don't have it though, every day i wake up and my first thought is "i have to look in the mirror in how many minutes?.." or that i don't want to go to work or go to the gym or anything
i just finished a book "Regaining Your Self" that was all about that--the "cure" to an eating disorder is finding a purpose in life, a passion, whether it be art or horseback riding or anything. and i have the art thing... http://sariea.deviantart.com/ but at the same time, the dperession from the ED makes it impossible for me to get moving on it.
for example, right now i am waiting for a response to an Art Festival that i have 99% chance of being accepted into that is being held on September 23. and i ordered 12 canvases so icould get painting more again 2 weeks ago. they are all still blank. and it's not because i don't have ideas for them. i do. its just when i am sitting here on the couch, the thought of getting up to get the canvas and work on it just seems like too much..
does that make sense?..
I am soooo glad I am not the only one. I felt like having an eating disorder and being vegan was completely insane.... here I am trying to be healthy yet im killing myself. I also read the other forum and it's nice to know i'm not alone. I wish you girls the best.
Sariea, your art is beautiful!!! Getting lost in your passion is the best cure for so many things... I hope you can find your way back into it. Good luck to all of you!
Its sad to say that eating disorders are so common :( and very realistic. I dealt with a slight eating disorder (i least I categorize it as slight) when i first got into college. I was vegetarian for a little over a year when i left to college and heard so many horror stories about the "Freshman 15" that I absolutely refused to to be a victim of it. So I started going to the gym everyday and I mean everyday, which isnt that bad of a thing, but then I started eating only one meal a day and that usually consisted of a small salad. My skin got incredibly pale and I was the weakest I had ever been. By the end of my first semester I had lost 20 or more pounds. I went back to Cali for that winter and my family was absolutely worried, of course they blamed it on the fact that I was vegetarian, but it wasnt that at all. I came back to school and continued my habits after that my friend and I decided that we needed to look "great" for spring break so we went out and bought diet pills...which was the worse idea we could have thought of. So at that point I was going to the gym everyday eating one meal a day, a salad AND taking diet pills! My body went insane so much so that I was in class and my vision went blurry, my heart was beating FAST and I got a HUGE headache to the point where I couldnt even think anymore. I went back to my dorm room threw up and layed on my bed. My roomate came in and called the diet pill company phone number and they said I needed to be taken to the hospital...luckily by then I was feeling a lot better...I ate some food later that day and knew that my habits had become extreme. At the time it was very scary and I'm glad that I can look back on it now and realize that what i was doing wasn't healthy. I still struggle with food, but since then have learned to embrace it more. I cook very healthy, work out and make sure that I'm not being extreme with myself...its tough not being comfortable in your own skin :(
Yeah--eating disorder is not improving on my end. I've lost 7 pounds and am currently hella depressed. Sariea we probably feel the same way about a lot of things. I feel that lack of initive a lot at least. Maybe i should rephrase that--i DONT FEEL any initiative. I think about doing things...and then don't. Today i stared off into space for.....4 hours straight. Thinking about things i could be doing. Like baking or drawing or reading or anything else. Instead i poured boiling water on my hand. (don't worry i see a therapist and she knows and im improving (a miniscule amount))...urg i am a terrible self mutilator.
Shit.
I feel weird chiming in here, but damnit ladies... I just want each of you to be well. I watched my older sister become anorexic to the point of having a grey skin tone, my younger sister and an ex-girlfriend play at bulimia... It maddens me that there is such a focus on numbers, on shape.
Everything I've read from each of you has been touched by a certain brilliance not sen in the average person. Each of you shine.
I just wish you well.
god i wish i could lose 7 pounds... i finally start losng weight and right now i'm just effng it up by eating everything in sight because i'm stressed
i could never self mutilate, i dont have any tolerance for pain, although sometimes at work when i take things out of the oven i think about pressing my arm against the hot metal, but then i always "chicken out" cuz i know it'll hurt for a lot longer than i want it to. it's just the scars i want--almost like i want to look as damaged on the outside as i feel on the inside
I want to echo and_it_spoke and wish each of you the happiness and peace within yourselves to overcome your struggles. I hope each of you recognize the beauty inside and know that it matches the outside. Good luck to all of you.
Shit.
I feel weird chiming in here, but damnit ladies... I just want each of you to be well. I watched my older sister become anorexic to the point of having a grey skin tone, my younger sister and an ex-girlfriend play at bulimia... It maddens me that there is such a focus on numbers, on shape.
Everything I've read from each of you has been touched by a certain brilliance not sen in the average person. Each of you shine.
I just wish you well.
he's right.
girls... we're all beautiful.
i just wish everyone could realize this.
what is it that makes you scared of eating?
we're vegan damnit.. and we're gonna look sexy cuz if it.
EAT!
Shit.
I feel weird chiming in here, but damnit ladies... I just want each of you to be well. I watched my older sister become anorexic to the point of having a grey skin tone, my younger sister and an ex-girlfriend play at bulimia... It maddens me that there is such a focus on numbers, on shape.
Everything I've read from each of you has been touched by a certain brilliance not sen in the average person. Each of you shine.
I just wish you well.
I have to second this
most of the girls I am friends with, involved with, ect. all have alot of body issues. Its such a sad thing when I look at all these wonderfully beautiful women (you VW ladies too...buncha hot vegans) and you all are so unhappy with yourselves
unfortunantly the truth is that no one can make you feel better about yourself (in that way), and I know how hard it is...because I loathe myself most of the time too
why cant we all just be happy with ourselves, no easy answer....just take care of yourselves folks and try to love yourselves a little bit
I dunno how it's going right now....it seems that it's been getting bad again. I haven't been loosing weight, but I'm starting to want, no crave, my old anorexic behaviors. I just want to exercise and exercise and loose weight. I feel like I'm missing that hollow, empty feeling I got when I didn't eat....and being able to feel my ribs...sorry if that triggers anyone. I know it's not a healthy lifestyle, by any means, but now I'm eating healthy and exercising when I can (doctor won't really let me), but I still feel like I'm fat and I'm going to keep gaining weight and it's never any better. I don't have something I'm really into, so I don't really have that to keep my mind off of things.
The thoughts to engage in the behaviors come and go, but I just have to fight them, I say over and over and over "I'm eating healthy, I will be ok." and if I feel the urge to throw up, I say "vegans don't do that" :)
I chose veganism as a last ditch effort to avoid hospitalization and further obsession and craziness. I threw out my "rule" for what I can and cannot eat and adapted vegan rules. Doing this meant I had to eat things I didn't normally allow myself to eat, but I did it. I'm not saying I haven't brought back some of my "rules" but things are much improved.
I just have to stay the hell away from the scale. It scares me.
Good luck to all who are struggling on a daily basis.
i really don't want to interrupt or be aggressive about this, but i just...
i'll just speak my mind and hope noone will be offended
i have been vegan for 2,5 years, before that i was a on/off vegetarian for a really long time. all this time i've been accused (which is a harsh word, but that's how it feels) of having eating disorders, being unhealthy etc, that my vegetarianism is a part of hiding an ed.
well.
i've been denying this all the time, because i love food, cooking, and i kind of like myself too. but then i come into these forums (vegan, raw-food, vegetarian) and it seems as if everyone has an ed. and not just talking about it as something they want to get over,but as a part of theirlivs. a normal part of their lives.
so i've started to wonder: is it possible to be vegan woithout having a wierd relationship to food and wheight? am i on my way towards ed-hell without even noticing?
i'm just so shocked by the way people in this and other threads talk about loosing wheight and "feeling better"... like someone in here wants to loose 7 pounds, and hey that's allright mama, but i get a wierd feeling when the person wanting to loose that weight is at 112.
i really don't wanna be offensive, but i'm just confused. are we really fighting ed's? or is veganism just a bad excuse?
i've been denying this all the time, because i love food, cooking, and i kind of like myself too. but then i come into these forums (vegan, raw-food, vegetarian) and it seems as if everyone has an ed. and not just talking about it as something they want to get over,but as a part of theirlivs. a normal part of their lives.
so i've started to wonder: is it possible to be vegan woithout having a wierd relationship to food and wheight? am i on my way towards ed-hell without even noticing?
I can only answer for myself and say that yes, I'm a vegan and no, I do not have an eating disorder nor a wierd relationship with food. Nor did I the 16 years year I was an ovo-lacto. I'd say that if you are eating healthy then no, you shouldn't be headed towards "ed-hell."
I've been contemplating whether or not to reply to this..I've lurked around the other thread, and on a few similar ones at other sites. I find that many times, they start out well intentioned, but manage to slip into dangerous territory. Reading about how everyone is doing can be beneficial when things are going well...and incredibly triggering when they're not.
But I like to think that this crowd is pretty level. Let's keep it up :)
So..I'm anorexic. And currently "treating" myself (have been for months...it's a work in progress - one step forward, two back, etc), until my husband's insurance kicks in.
If anyone needs support..someone to hold you accountable, so to speak...I'm definately here, and could use the same support.
--Vanessa
and it seems as if everyone has an ed. and not just talking about it as something they want to get over,but as a part of theirlivs. a normal part of their lives.
i'm sorry but the horrible truth is that for most people who develope eating disorders, it will remain a part of their lives forever, i have struggled with it for over 5 years and have only just recently acknowledged that yes i will have it forever (my doctor made me realize this), i just have to learn how to control it and it is not a good time in my life right now
i'm just so shocked by the way people in this and other threads talk about loosing wheight and "feeling better"... like someone in here wants to loose 7 pounds, and hey that's allright mama, but i get a wierd feeling when the person wanting to loose that weight is at 112.
i really don't wanna be offensive, but i'm just confused. are we really fighting ed's? or is veganism just a bad excuse?
you know... i have always been vegetarian. i am not vegan but i try to be as close to it as possible. and the reason i concentrate on this lifestyle is because the way those foods make me feel horrible when i eat them. which is one of the reasons regular non-eating-disordered vegans sometimes choose to eat this way too.
becoming veg was my way to feel better about eating, so as to help in the recovery process, because it's a lot easier to eat when you're not crying over what you're putting in your mouth.
and i'm sorry, i don't want to be offensive either, but it kinda upset me, that since i used to be 88 pounds, i don't really see the problem of wanting to lose 7 pounds when i'm a short 5'2" and ALL the weight i have gained back has gone to ONE spot on my body and i can no longer wear any of my clothes. i literally live in pajamas. i have broken down and bought new pants because of work and it is too difficult to go from a size 3-5 to a size 11-13
i know plenty of people who do not have eating disorders that would be upset by that, and upset by gaining almost 30 pounds against their will. atleast i'm not saying i want to be 88 pounds again. :-\
If anyone needs support..someone to hold you accountable, so to speak...I'm definately here, and could use the same support.
--Vanessa
we all need to be supportive of each other... and not spiral down into negative talking. we're all vegetarian and vegan, whether or not we have an eating disorder, and that's definitely a choice that needs to be respected and celebrated!
everyone remember (especially you Sariea), it's pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to be overweight, unhealthy etc. if you have a plant based diet (unless you eat cookies all day long). simple dishes of whole grains, fruits and veggies, and legumes are the healthiest things someone can eat. we are the healthiest people in our society!
that thought is what gets me through. and also this thought: when I eat (because I'm vegan) the food I'm putting into my mouth is good for me, and for the planet. by making these lifestyle choices, I'm both taking care of myself and my momma earth. that's powerful to me.
let's stay positive here... eds are so hard, I know. we need to support each other.
i really don't wanna be offensive, but i'm just confused. are we really fighting ed's? or is veganism just a bad excuse?
I am not fighting ed. If I had a bad day or get into an argument with someone I'm likely to indulge in comfort food- that's about it.
It does seem like a lot of people are fighting ed. I do hope you all are able to over come it. I think it might be an internet thing rather than a vegan thing. People might feel more comfortable coming online for support than real-life groups.
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