Positive Action, Self-Harm Prevention, and Recovery Club!
Welcome!
This is a space for VWers of all walks of life to come and share their experiences as We work toward recovery from self-destructive behaviours, such as eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-injury.
Of course, this thread can't replace the help of medical professionals, but I think a lot of Us would benefit from this little bit of therapy. YOU set goals for Yourself, share Your progress (and setbacks, when/if they happen), and We'll all be here to cheer You on!
This is also a place where You can come when You're tempted to do something self-destructive (like self-injure, binge/purge, get drunk, etc.) and You need some distraction. Even if no one else is online, come and vent and just type away/post pictures/whatever instead of engaging in harmful activity.
Don't be ashamed if You're struggling with meeting Your goals or keeping Yourself out of the cycle of self-harm.... We've all been there, and this isn't a place for judgment. But be ready for advice and maybe even some tough love--We want to see everyone through their struggles, but it's important that We all remain open to absolute honesty and constructive criticism.
So if You're new to this discussion, feel free to share some information about Yourself--however much/little You want--and tell Us what exactly You want to change. We'll help You set up some goals, p'raps give some advice on how to work on them, and cheer You on as You work toward self-betterment.
;)b
So, I made it through last night. But I couldn't stand it anymore. I gave in. And "just one" became 2 became 7 became 10. I still don't feel better. I don't know what to do, but I really really want to keep cutting.
crap courth... so sorry i couldn't be there to just give you a hug! what triggers you to feel this way? maybe you can avoid such triggers if possible? maybe text someone who knows about this part of you? are you living at home still?
Courth I'm really sorry you are struggling so much. I wish I were there to give you a hug too. At least you have the courage to be honest.
I wish you guys could see just from your words that come from the heart how beautiful you all are. It's easier to see it in others than yourself though. I know...
Thanks for your words, girlies. Amy, I'm stil living at home and nobody knows this side of me.
There's really no point in being dishonest anymore. I really do want to recover from this. It's fucking hard. It seems like every time the urges start up again they get worse, stronger.
your parents don't see the wounds? i know my mom didn't give a shit about me but eventually noticed (i was about 15)... i cut so that my parents would pay attention to me... i dunno for me personally, it was a cry for love and attention... when my ex left me i tried to cut but couldn't do it anymore (i was 26) cause i remember how long it took those wounds to go away... i did it on my arms though where people could see...
well we all know this side of you so feel free to message if you don't want to write it on the forum... you are a great person, there i no need to want to take it out on yourself... easier said than done i know <3
Yeah, I cut on my hips so nobody will notice. For me it's not about attention, but about regulating emotions that I really don't know how to deal with. Somewhere along the line it became like an addiction. Sometimes I feel like a drug addict or an alcoholic because I just can't give it up.
well i suppose i have my own self destructive addictions, i am glad i outgrew cutting... i guess i just self medicate and b/p to busy myself from my feelings... xanax for breakfast, b/p in the day, alcohol and sleeping pills at night... i am an addict as well in a different way
<3
I apologize for interjecting, but in a way we with eating/emotional/"mental" "disorders" are all addicts. I'm addicted to self-starvation. I get anxious, so I feel fat and refuse to eat. And then I'll work out like a fiend if I do eat. It's a viscous circle. Stay strong all <3
I definitely know this is an addiction, but most people wouldn't see it that way unless they are going through it themselves. To most, addictions have a physical reason for being. But a lot of addicts have a mental condition as well. I guess that's what I meant by "like" a drug addict. I know- injuring is my drug of choice. <3
Aggplanta, thanks for posting! Going for two weeks is fantastic! I know it seems like a little bit, but it's a big step. I've gone from harming 4-5 times a day to once or twice a month. It's still not stopping, so I didn't see it as any measurement of success until someone else pointed it out to me. I guess I'm just a black and white thinker.
I haven't heard the tip about frozen oranges, but I h ave been told to squeeze ice when I get urges. But when I get really bad urges I can melt entire ice cubes on my skin and still want to cut. I guess I'm a freak.
Aggplanta, thanks for posting! Going for two weeks is fantastic! I know it seems like a little bit, but it's a big step. I've gone from harming 4-5 times a day to once or twice a month. It's still not stopping, so I didn't see it as any measurement of success until someone else pointed it out to me. I guess I'm just a black and white thinker.
I haven't heard the tip about frozen oranges, but I h ave been told to squeeze ice when I get urges. But when I get really bad urges I can melt entire ice cubes on my skin and still want to cut. I guess I'm a freak.
agreed that aggplanta you are doing such a great job! i am so happy to hear you are doing better <3
courth, i didn't know you were doing SO much better! that is awesome and a great step hun <3 you are not crazy love so stop saying that! <3 love ya!
I'm so glad to hear that we are all gradually improving :)
So I know that it isn't much but....yesterday I had 50 more calories than I usually would. And I didn't exercise more to compensate. It doesn't seem like much of anything, but to me it felt like a big deal. I was really uncomfortable doing it, and I guess I'll have to do the same today. But it felt like a step in the right direction.
I'm so glad to hear that we are all gradually improving :)
So I know that it isn't much but....yesterday I had 50 more calories than I usually would. And I didn't exercise more to compensate. It doesn't seem like much of anything, but to me it felt like a big deal. I was really uncomfortable doing it, and I guess I'll have to do the same today. But it felt like a step in the right direction.
dude danni that is a huge deal! awesome job! baby steps <3
I know how you feel. It makes me so uncomfortable to eat outside of my times I "allow" myself to eat something. I've been trying to do that more often...some days it works, some days I just don't do it. And I also know how badly you want to purge - that was one of the hardest things for me to get over. You just have to beat the feeling...it really really sucks, but you just have to deal with the temporary discomfort. It eventually goes away, at least it did with me. I haven't even had an urge to puke in months.
I'm not really sure if this is another small, small step forward, but I came to some sort of semi-realization yesterday. Well, for some reason I decided to try on a pair of size 0 jeans that my little (14 year old, mind you) sister's jeans that she didn't want because she didn't like the cut (also note, I hardly if ever wear denim. Too uncomfortable, usually, and makes me feel fat). I have no idea what gave me the urge to try them on, but I did and...they were loose on me. Sizefreaking zero were loose on me! Part of me was elated - they were c comfortable and that part of my mentality thought I looked damn good. But at the same time, my stomach did a backflip...I was thinking "Oh my god, am I really this skinny?" I think I almost realized how skinny I really am. Now I'm confused and have such split feelings...how can I feel sickeningly proud of my size, yet scared about my size at the same time? It just feels...weird. It's like I'm looking at a totally different person in the mirror, even though that person is me...
I know how you feel. It makes me so uncomfortable to eat outside of my times I "allow" myself to eat something. I've been trying to do that more often...some days it works, some days I just don't do it. And I also know how badly you want to purge - that was one of the hardest things for me to get over. You just have to beat the feeling...it really really sucks, but you just have to deal with the temporary discomfort. It eventually goes away, at least it did with me. I haven't even had an urge to puke in months.
I'm not really sure if this is another small, small step forward, but I came to some sort of semi-realization yesterday. Well, for some reason I decided to try on a pair of size 0 jeans that my little (14 year old, mind you) sister's jeans that she didn't want because she didn't like the cut (also note, I hardly if ever wear denim. Too uncomfortable, usually, and makes me feel fat). I have no idea what gave me the urge to try them on, but I did and...they were loose on me. Sizefreaking zero were loose on me! Part of me was elated - they were comfortable and that part of my mentality thought I looked damn good. But at the same time, my stomach did a backflip...I was thinking "Oh my god, am I really this skinny?" I think I almost realized how skinny I really am. Now I'm confused and have such split feelings...how can I feel sickeningly proud of my size, yet scared about my size at the same time? It just feels...weird. It's like I'm looking at a totally different person in the mirror, even though that person is me...
OMG everything you said is so on point... just wish i could get to the non purging part! Good job Danni that is so so awesome! <3
And the size thing! I feel like a whale sometimes and then try on clothes that seem small and they are not at all! i wish i had the mirrors they have in fitting rooms cause they always make me see how thin i actually am! i think the angle of the mirror on my wall is whack or something, i always feel like a cow... but deep down i know i am not... it is so dumb!
I know how you feel. It makes me so uncomfortable to eat outside of my times I "allow" myself to eat something. I've been trying to do that more often...some days it works, some days I just don't do it. And I also know how badly you want to purge - that was one of the hardest things for me to get over. You just have to beat the feeling...it really really sucks, but you just have to deal with the temporary discomfort. It eventually goes away, at least it did with me. I haven't even had an urge to puke in months.
I'm not really sure if this is another small, small step forward, but I came to some sort of semi-realization yesterday. Well, for some reason I decided to try on a pair of size 0 jeans that my little (14 year old, mind you) sister's jeans that she didn't want because she didn't like the cut (also note, I hardly if ever wear denim. Too uncomfortable, usually, and makes me feel fat). I have no idea what gave me the urge to try them on, but I did and...they were loose on me. Sizefreaking zero were loose on me! Part of me was elated - they were comfortable and that part of my mentality thought I looked damn good. But at the same time, my stomach did a backflip...I was thinking "Oh my god, am I really this skinny?" I think I almost realized how skinny I really am. Now I'm confused and have such split feelings...how can I feel sickeningly proud of my size, yet scared about my size at the same time? It just feels...weird. It's like I'm looking at a totally different person in the mirror, even though that person is me...
OMG everything you said is so on point... just wish i could get to the non purging part! Good job Danni that is so so awesome! <3
And the size thing! I feel like a whale sometimes and then try on clothes that seem small and they are not at all! i wish i had the mirrors they have in fitting rooms cause they always make me see how thin i actually am! i think the angle of the mirror on my wall is whack or something, i always feel like a cow... but deep down i know i am not... it is so dumb!
Thanks! You'll get their, amy, I have faith in you <3 It's tough, but hang in there!
I know, it's total insanity. And (obviously) I always feel worse after I eat. I just wish I could see myself how others see me, because most of the time I don't feel skinny. Like right now, and I haven't even eaten anything yet today. But that's half the disorder...the distorted body image. That's one of the hardest things to overcome :\ and probably something that will linger long after "recovery," if one can truly be called "recovered."
Hey ladies, you are strong. You can do this, I know you can. We are all going through some intense stuff that few people truly understand.
I haven't cut since last week when I posted. Some of them are still super red. They are on my hips, and it hurts to wear denim, sit, and lay on that side. I feel so dumb.
I am doing better with my diabetes. I have gone 2 and a half weeks so far doing (at minimum) 4 tests a day, which is the recommendation. I used to go for days without doing any. I'm keeping a physical log, and that seems to help me more than a computer log. I don't know why. I've gained 10 pounds since starting to actually monitor myself. I knew it would happen, but I hate it. I don't even really have an appetite anymore, so I am eating less, but still weighing more. I feel like a fatty.
courth... i don't understand how the whole diabetes thing makes you gain, i know you have prob explained it before... is it cause you have to eat or something to make your levels right? sorry your cuts are hurting <3 hope you feel better soon and don't want to hurt yourself... i think you are so smart, pretty, and amazing... i know that prob doesn't mean much, but still...
and danni, i am feelin the itch to try to get better again as i feel my body is fighting me again... swelling, weird tooth thing, constant fluctuations in weight and mood, lack of funds to eat whatever the hell i want and waste it... thanks for your support <3
Amy, when my blood sugar is always high, the cells in my body can't access glucose. The function of insulin is to "unlock" the cell so that glucose can enter. Without insulin, the cells remain locked, and the glucose can't enter. Since the glucose can't get into the cells, they start to starve (because glucose provides energy). Then the cells start using body fat for energy and the unused glucose builds up in my blood. So when I start controlling my blood sugar the cells can access the glucose from food, and they stop eating fat. Then the body thinks it's been starving for a while and builds up the fat stores again. And I become a lard-o. It makes me sad. It makes me even more sad because I've been eating less and moving more, and I'm still gaining weight. And my pants are getting tight. And that makes me feel really crappy. I had made it down to a size 6 pants, and now I'm going to have to break out the fat jeans again.
Is it possible that you aren't eating enough? It sounds kind of crazy (especially to me), but they say that they body holds onto fat when it thinks of itself as starving. Maybe try eating higher amounts of low GI foods, so it won't spike your blood sugar? And eat in regular intervals throughout the day? And try a little strength training along with some cardio to help rev up your metabolism? I'm not sure what you're doing already, but that might help.
Keep listening to your body, Amy, I have to do the same. It just feels so...difficult. My mind is at war with my body, it's awful some days. I feel kind of okay today, yesterday was ehh, the day before was good...I just want to start eating a little more without freaking out. And without gaining a hella lotta weight :\
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