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Positive Action, Self-Harm Prevention, and Recovery Club!

Welcome!
This is a space for VWers of all walks of life to come and share their experiences as We work toward recovery from self-destructive behaviours, such as eating disorders, substance abuse, and self-injury.
Of course, this thread can't replace the help of medical professionals, but I think a lot of Us would benefit from this little bit of therapy. YOU set goals for Yourself, share Your progress (and setbacks, when/if they happen), and We'll all be here to cheer You on!

This is also a place where You can come when You're tempted to do something self-destructive (like self-injure, binge/purge, get drunk, etc.) and You need some distraction. Even if no one else is online, come and vent and just type away/post pictures/whatever instead of engaging in harmful activity.

Don't be ashamed if You're struggling with meeting Your goals or keeping Yourself out of the cycle of self-harm.... We've all been there, and this isn't a place for judgment. But be ready for advice and maybe even some tough love--We want to see everyone through their struggles, but it's important that We all remain open to absolute honesty and constructive criticism.

So if You're new to this discussion, feel free to share some information about Yourself--however much/little You want--and tell Us what exactly You want to change. We'll help You set up some goals, p'raps give some advice on how to work on them, and cheer You on as You work toward self-betterment.

;)b

Thanks shea!  Sorry I still don't know first names here.  :-[  I went to the urgent care Thursday in desperation.  The doctor ruled out a bacterial infection and thought it was indeed a virus.  No surprise.  My intestines were basically spasming so he too recommended Immodium.  I was reluctant to take it because I have a VERY sensitive body when it comes to drugs (I havent even taken an aspirin for three years) but at this point when you cant even hold down a saltine you have to give it a shot.  And it DID help!  It made my nausea worse but stopped the diarhhea and gave my body a chance to rest.  I was able to go back to work Friday although exhausted.  Today my appetite is coming back and nausea has gone down.  This is one of the nastiest viruses I have had in a loooong time.  I initially thought it was food poisoning because I went for a hike last Saturday and thought I was picking and eating wild blueberries until my partner showed me a blueberry patch.  Oops, I had been eating darker colored "blue" berries.  But when I think back I was more tired than usual even the day before that and had been so tired that day i took a nap in the woods which is HIGHLY unusual for me who can usually hike for many miles with a lot more energy to spare.  So my guess is viral infection.  The foreign berries probably didnt help.

Awwww.. ((((Naturebound)))) That sounds rough.

I haven't had that happen to me before. Not for that long at least. I usually keep Immodium handy and that fixes it immediately. Bananas, white rice, applesauce, and toast is all I can suggest!

I hope you get better by the time your classes start!

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NB... you said you went out to eat with your dad right? maybe you accidentally ate something bad? i dunno, just a thought... the other girl at work told you she was A or you could just tell? i never tell people about my B in fear that they will tell everyone or something... i really hope you feel better soon! how did your doctor visit go?

About the coworker.  Our department merged with a medical records department from another hospital and she was from there.  We met through a mutual friend who shared with both of us the struggle of the other because she knew we both struggled with the same issues and thought we could help each other.  So I finally got together with this coworker and we talked for some time.  She has struggled with this disorder for over 40 years (in her fifties now).  It is still quite obvious she has anorexia although she is in better shape than years ago.  Ditto for me.  I was in very rough shape when we first met.  She has been supportive of my recovery but all the same it's still hard because when I see her not doing so well it feels triggering for me and hard to watch her get sick and vice versa I'm sure.  She is still quite restrictive in what she eats but not to the point of starvation.  Due to the nature of our illnesses it's no secret to the rest of our department (and both of us put up with comments like "I wish I had your will power" bla bla).  I was so bad for a while my coworkers were begging me to get help and there was a rumor outside the office that I had cancer.  I had to miss work for a treatment program some of the time and my weight has gone way up and down several times from refeeding.  Talk about humiliating.  When I started in the department I work in I was a normal healthy weight and then I got sick, stopped eating, and my weight dramatically dropped so they witnessed my disorder playing out first hand.  We are a close knit department which is both a blessing and a curse.  Not much you can hide.  needless to say all my treatments have been at outside facilities lol.

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Good for you for choosing sobriety charlie! 
It does get better.  Trust me.  I too am a recovering alcoholic.  I made a terrible mess of my life in my twenties.  I won't go into details either.  I had nine years of sobriety from 2000 to 2009 (then just a small slip in 2009 and sober since) and was finally able to develop relationships and goals.  it takes time to heal and to learn to live in a different way that's less destructive.  Most of my relationships were broken even BEFORE drinking. Sometimes you end up trading problems to cope (as I did with anorexia).  Sometimes its a lifelong battle and it may never be perfect.  Life may not give you what you want (if ever).  But we make the best of it.  I still can not look at the big picture without getting overwhelmed.  But I will tell you I have had a wonderful series of individual days spent sober just doing things I love...alone or not.. and its those little quiet moments of enjoying the small details that make life worth it. 
I understand though that coping with pain and heartache is awfully hard sometimes.  You made a great decision to post here even if you deleted some of it.  It shows strength inside. 

It's by God's grace that I didn't have to drink whiskey today. For that I am truly grateful.

That said, glorious day until tonight before dinner, then sort of a regretful night so far. How can you only have a dog in your life and all your relationships are still all F'd up?! I won't bore with the details - wrote them out but they seemed too petty, so I deleted them ;)

Thanks everyone for being here!

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NB the chick that did this was the group leader!!!!!!!!!!!

she did all the things you said, like reading the rules and such...

what i hated about how she led things too is that she was constantly setting and messing around with her timer (since you were only supposed to share like 4 mins tops)... that timer alone just gave me anxiety, like if i dare did speak i better hurry the hell up

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yikes!  That timer thing would scare me too.  Maybe that's not the group for you amy.  What a shame your experience with Celebrate Recovery happened to be with a group of people who werent at all considerate or compassionate.  Sometimes its not the program but the particular group of people.  Maybe you could try another Celebrate Recovery group in your area if there is one before throwing in the towel on that.  I know sometimes CR or other church groups tend to take a "tough love" approach to the program and that doesnt work for a lot of people, me included.  I delt with the same crap in alcohol inpatient treatment programs and AA but did not see it too much in the CR group I was in.  I am not and never was a hardened street girl.  You know?  Please don't let it get you down though.  At least you tried and that took serious courage!  I still struggle with the whole church thing in general.  I have drifted in and out of so many churches and in and out of the one I have gone to for 12 years.  I can not NOT believe in Christ but I also have very liberal views on many things and they clash often with the Christian faith.  Sometimes a "take what applies to me and leave the rest" approach has helped me but not always because sometimes I just can not sit back and listen to some of the bullshit I hear and not say something.

Have you ever tried an Eating Disorder Anonymous or an Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous group?  I used to do phone meetings through them.  Not sure if they still have them.  Some larger cities have in person groups.  They are similar to AA but focused on eating disorders and not usually as "tough love" as AA.  The EA groups are more laid back than the ABA groups.  All are free.  You can find info about them online.  Or maybe a group that isnt focused on recovery or illness would be better, like a healing yoga or meditation group or something.  Last year I took a yoga class through community ed just for fun and it was so healing for me, at least at the time, to accept my body more.  IDK, just a thought. 

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thank you NB,

i don't plan on giving up on CR but i am not happy that i am still bothered by what that lady said... i was under the impression from the worship and testimony part, you did not have to admit to something, you could just sit and listen... apparently that isn't the case with this group of ladies... many seemed to already have strong bonds and know each other... i did see a few other girls similar to me and my sisters age that might be more releatable... unlike these older ladies who control the group...

i don't like ED groups, especially if i am actually in the process of getting better... the last one i went to i hadn't B/P in 3 freakin months and so proud how far i had come... i went to the group and my counselor and the others still pointed out all of my other issues and made my progress seem so unimportant, i relapsed quickly after that

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So I went a while feeling okay about myself. Then I was asked when my baby is due. Contentment bubble burst.

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So I went a while feeling okay about myself. Then I was asked when my baby is due. Contentment bubble burst.

why would anyone ever ask someone this?! i don't care who the chick is i would never ask unless i knew for sure the girl was preggo...

courth, you are so damn beautiful this pisses me off.... sure people have different body shapes and hold there weight in different places... like me, my arms stay stick thin but i gain weight boobs down... you in no way look pregnant courth... i've seen you in a bikini top! <3

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Courth I am so sorry you were at the receiving end of such an idiotic comment.  Whether it was said in innocence or not, people need to think before they blurt out statements about another person's body.  Otherwise their own credibility is questionable.  I wouldn't let it get you down.  I know it's easier said than done.  My family means well but sometimes they too make comments that seem to bore into my soul and make my fears ten times worse.  I think as introverts we tend to read a lot more into what others tell us and worry about what others think.  It's hard for me to let certain things go.  At any rate, from what I have read and seen of you, I think you are a beautiful person with much to offer.  HUGS

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"At any rate, from what I have read and seen of you, I think you are a beautiful person with much to offer..."

"Courth, you are so damn beautiful..."

^ Yes, these ^

NB, yes on the reading too much into statements! Also, there are certain types of us who can be in a room of 100 people, 99 of whom adore us, but we will obsese over the 1 person who cannot stand us. Funny thing is through cunning or intuition or whatever a lot of times that 1 person is doing it intentionally because they know the hell it can put us through. How much time I wasted over all this! Now I answer to myself. That is healing for me. To be a light unto yourself, that is freedom.

I did not have to drink whiskey today and for that I am truly grateful. In fact if that is all I get today, it is a good day regardless of the many mistakes I will make and those who hate me with or without a reason.

<3

PS: I have noticed that occasionally that 100th person, who today I treat with all the love and compassion my selfish humaness can manage, lots of times now will come around and ask, "What have you got going on? You seem so together?" <--- that is priceless!

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Hey... I'm back on VegWeb again, interbutts transient that I am. :P I don't think I've posted in this thread, have I?

Anyway, I've been getting my arse in gear (sort of - I mean, by my standards, which is something, at least) with some positive things in my life, things that I have been putting off for literally years. I had my first meeting of group with the adult eating disorders program today, which... well, I can say that it's a group of people who talked about eating disorders. Exactly what it says on the tin. I'm also trying to kick out the other two legs of my Issues Tripod - I got dragged around and kicked to the curb by a string of psychiatrists with regards to what my gut instinct wants to believe is some kind of bipolar disorder (family history stuff has come to light, as well as my experiencing for the first time a real, honest-to-goodness, full-two-weeks manic episode)... but even though the final link in the chain dropped me like a sack of bricks and refused me treatment, I've taken another route and I'm seeing a counselor on-campus whose role is less to sling meds and more to let me vent and help me straighten out my thoughts when I'm really scattered. Aaand I finally, finally got around to seeking out resources for gender transition, after five years of hemming and hawing and being scared. Of course, this still leaves me with a year to wait before the wheels leave the runway, so to speak, but one year... well, I could have spent another five years avoiding the subject.

Sorry, that was really long and all Narci Narci Narci (username asserting its influence...) but I just wanted to get the status report out of the way because holy crap I've been gone a long time (I guess I was finding vegan fora a little triggery?).

Courth, it's been ages since I've said this to you, so I'll have to mention it with extra frequency to make up for last time, and echo what has been said: You. Are. Beautiful. You're a beautiful person. Your ego deserves every boost and your self-confidence every hug and reassurance and damnit contentment is the absolute least you deserve. Whatever person it was who had the audacity to overstep boundaries like that was just straight-out uncouth. I mean, really, it is honestly just RUDE to ask questions like that, and I would have thought that would just be common sense. I know it's not as easy as just ignoring a hurtful comment or doing the water-off-a-duck's-back deal but honestly this kind of invasive crap is just meaningless drivel. Be awesome, Courth. I mean, you ARE awesome. Keep on keeping on.

Um, I think I might have needed to get some things off my chest? PUN UNINTENDED.

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Hi Narcissus, nice to meet you!  I am a newer member of VegWeb having registered in March?  I can certainly understand why you would need to step away from the forums for a while.  Sometimes I have to do that if I am feeling a bit triggered also.  Of course sometimes EVERYTHING is a trigger in my life.  Sighs.  Anyway thanks for sharing your positives!  It's gotten me a little inspired.  You seem like such a fun person. 

I have been eating a lot more since overcoming that nasty stomach virus and starting school.  My digestion is still a bit off since being sick so I have to be careful but my appetite is vorocious.  It frightens me but I still perservere on.  I need brain power for studying.  At least part of it is fear too that pushes me to nourish myself.  Since I was hit by a minivan while riding my bike a few months ago (it wasnt major but the minivan pulled out too far as I was biking by and shoved me out into the road more; fortunately no cars were on the road at the time) I have had left hip and pelvic pain.  Well now it has gotten so bad I can not sleep at night AT ALL.  It hurts to sit, to lay down, to stand in any position but sitting and laying down are worse.  Sometimes its unbearable.  I havent been able to ride my bike for a week and exercise has dwindled down a lot.  It's causing my anxiety to go sky high.  I am so worried I may have a stress fracture.  I have osteoporosis so my worries are justified.  I am going in today to see a doctor.  Lack of sleep is taking its toll.  I tried taking an anti inflammatory a few days ago.  I havent taken over the counter meds in years.  All it did was make me terribly nauseated, didnt touch the pain.  The body sure has a way of letting you know when you have pushed it too far and when to start taking better care of yourself.  I am really fighting my anxiety and fears and feeling guilty as heck for eating what I percieve is a LOT but it's mostly healthy stuff too.  And not being able to exercise is hard. 

I havent been on much as school is keeping me busy, but I always come back to Vegweb to see what's up with everyone.  This is sort of my home group I guess.  I hope all of you are finding some positives in your lives!

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Narcissus, thank you! It sounds like you're doing well for yourself. That's a good thing.

NB, What are you studying in school? Sorry if you've mentioned it before. That is terrible about getting hit. I can relate to your feelings of pain and not being able to exercise. My knee is killing me due to what my doctor thinks is a torn meniscus, and I can't even walk without a limp. Ever since the pregnant comment I've been really sensitive about my weight. This really doesn't help. And now people look at me because I have this huge knee brace and I hobble instead of walk. I have to take the elevator to the second floor. I feel lazy, but I really can't do theses things.

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I am studying Health Information Management.  I work in medical records already but at an entry level position. 

Sorry to hear about your knee.  I can relate to the elevator thing and feeling lazy but at the same time we know that we are doing the right thing in taking care of our bodies so they heal properly.  Nothing lazy about that!  If we perservere we will be stronger people down the road.  Hang in there!  Injuries suck!

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So, it's been over a month since anyone has posted here. How are you guys doing? My knee still hurts, even though I didn't tear anything. Since I hurt it I've gained almost 15 pounds. I feel like a fucking cow. I went back to underusing insulin to lose weight, and I ended up in the hospital on Tuesday night. I was given three bags of saline by IV for severe dehydration, and it made me really puffy. I'm so stupid. My knee is just starting to get better, so I don't want to hurt it, but I need to exercise. Even walking at a good pace for a mile or so makes me hurt, so this is a challenge.

I hope everyone is doing better.

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oh no courth i am so glad you are ok!!!!

i am doing the same... crappy as usual haha and life has been drama and chaos... wish i had something better to report =/

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Courth, as far as exercise, can you do something lower-impact like swimming or riding a bike?

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Courth I am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time.  Hang in there!  I was thinking swimming would be a good choice if you needed to exercise also.  Even just stretching while sitting or lying down. 

I am really struggling so have not posted here.  School is stressing me as is work and the intrusive eating disorder thoughts.  I have gained approximately 1 lb of actual fat over the last month but it feels like way more.  I am stuck in a binge starve and now purge cycle (rare for me but I went through this before).  Stress and instability always lead to this and its just a vicious cycle.  I was just thinking this morning how I long to have someone to talk to about this hell I keep deep inside me.  There is no one I can trust who won't throw me in a hospital or judge me in some way if I am honest.  And then to think the holidays are just around the corner.  Ugh. 

I have been wondering about you guys but have been afraid to post.  And school is keeping me so busy.  I should be studying right now, not drooling over vegweb recipes and obsessively planning meals.  Sigh...

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Just a half positive note to share in regards to recovery efforts.  I went out to eat for the first time in three months Saturday.  I called the restaurant ahead of time and drilled them on how they cook their vegetables (it was an Asian restaurant and I was worried about butter or oyster sauce in it) and other food and I still didnt quite believe the person I talked to on the phone but then I thought I really needed to relax and take a break and just have some fun and get out.  So my boyfriend and I went.  The meal wasnt that great (I had tofu, udon noodles, veggies, green tea) as it was a little bland and soggy and the cost of the meal was outrageous but at least I tried.  I ate almost the whole plate which felt like an enormous amount of food. 

I hope everyone is hanging in there and having some positive experiences.  I'd love to hear some.  I could really use some encouragement. 

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good job NB at doing something out of your comfort zone, i'm glad it went well for the most part <3

i wish i had something to add but my life is a mess

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