Weight gain
I have gained weight. And I hate hate hate hate it. HATE IT. The summer before my sophomore year of high school I dropped a bunch of weight, was down to about 98 lbs. and my mother threw me into doctor's appointments, forced me to stop exercising (I used to run every day) and tormented me until I started gaining weight. Before I was a vegetarian/vegan, I weighed around 135 lbs, size 5 or so, and I was a little thick, but an athlete: basketball, track, biking. Right now, I am over my "goal" weight, 120 lbs. I am probably about 125 right now, maybe more:(. The gain was very sudden, because I can really notice my physical change lately. I have recently become really attached to food, wanting to eat all the time, even if I've just finished a meal. I's odd. I eat healthy foods, but I eat plenty of junk also: pretzels, chips, oreos, twizzlers, nuts, nuts, nuts. . . and I smoke. Unhealthy to the max, yet helpful socially, not to mention relaxing.
People still tell me that I am small, but none of my clothes fit so I don't believe them. I feel that they are just saying this so I won't loose weight again. I dread shopping because I can't find anything that fits just right around my massive legs and rear. I am beyond a size 5 now and I just want to cry when I think about it or get dressed in the morning. Flowing dresses are my best friend: they make me feel small and girlie.
I have no motivation whatsoever to start exercising. At all. There is a lot of stress in my house. My mother has pancreatic cancer (since '95) and is going to have a liver transplant any day now. I have regular teenage stress: junior year of high school, finals coming up, picking colleges, part-time job, etc. and I'm dealing with anxieties I've had for years over my social awkwardness and reclusive tendencies. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone on a certain level of closeness, but very rarely am I around the people I have that connection with (mostly my dad, who lives an hour away from me).
I realize that there is not much anyone can really do for me but tell me to exercise and get a "How to Make Friends for Dummies" book, but I just had to complain to someone.
Peace.
I understand you're frustration. Plus, you're having to deal with things most teenagers don't normally deal with. A few years ago I had to go on steroids b/c of my asthma and I gained over twenty pounds. Even though I was at a healthy weight (I'm 5'11" and while on steroids I weighed 148 lbs), I didn't want to become like the rest of my family who are all extremely obese. I hated that all of my other firends fit in size double 0 jeans and I was wearing size 9-11. It's rough, since being off the steroids I lost the weight (I'm about 125 and I wear a size 5-7) but like you I still wear baggy clothes (oversized shirts are my friends ;)). I graduated high school this past year and I've truthfully fell out of touch with pretty much all of them, so I understand where you're coming from.
If you want to talk I'm here for you as are the other uber loving vegwebbers.
~Cathie~
Thanks Cathie:) You're so quick to respond!
You sound like you're pretty small for your height though. I have lost touch with what normal for me is, or I am obsessed with being what I think "normal" for my age is.
Also, I forgot to add that I am 17 and have yet to start my period. That was hard to type. I don't know why...
I am undecided on having kids in the future, but come the day to decide, I would rather the decision not be made for me so I want to leave my options open. My family doctor, endocrinologist, and dietitian said that once I hit 120 lbs I would start it but I went the extra mile and here I am, still infertile. And yes, that is my justification for eating another oreo sometimes.
I hate growing up.
wait, why are you infertile?
just b/c you havent started your period yet, doesnt mean that is so. at 17 it is not unheard of, and especially given you low weight history.
im sorry that you have so much stress and worry going on around you right now. you have alot of change that you have to deal with and i bet it seems a little uncontrollable. is there a professional who you could talk to? it can really really help.
as for your weight "issue". all i can say is, dont obsess about it. and dont obsess about eating crazy healthy either. eat well, but like you said, have an oreo if you want. being healthy or veg is not about deprivation. your body will find its happy place, numbers really dont mean anything. throw the "goal" weight out the window...think about being healthy. are you able to do what you want, can your body keep up? or do you feel totally exhausted? trust me, fitting into a smaller size is not worth your well being...physically or mentally.
i really think it would be a good thing to talk to a therapist. to get a handle on everything now, before you go to college.
ii would also recommend yoga. if you take a class, im sure you will find some good people...but even more, its great for stress relief and body awareness and learning to become more comfortable in your body.
How long have you been 120-125? It could take (speaking from experience) up to 6 months or so for your period to start once you've "achieved" the "goal" weight....
How tall are you?
I'm 5'3", and once again, at my *panic* weight of 104... I've found my "happy" weight is 112-115. After 5+ years of trying to gain weight, last year, I gained 15 lbs in less than 2 months and went from a size 2-5 to a solid size 8. I went from 108-125. It took me a few months for me to not feel depressed when I looked at my pants before I put them on. But my knees didn't hurt as much, I didn't get sick or cold as often, and I could once again go to work out w/o fear of losing "too much" weight! I personally like having a butt, and that little 'pooch' right above the hip bones, I fought hard to get that, it helps me to feel more "feminine". For freakish medical reasons, in the past month and a half, I've lost it.... Before, when I was 104/sz 2, I was proud of the fact that I stood out from the other 2's and 0's BECAUSE I had an ASS!!! Now I don't :'(.
Bottom line is, relax, don't believe tv/popular media as to what "normal" is....(technically, normal is actually obese now.... :-\ Which, from what it sounds like, YOU ARE NOT!!!!) Look for a happy medium spot. I second LA's comments about not obsessing over what you eat.
AND BE PROUD OF THAT ASS!!! ;) ;)b ^-^
I think the bottom line here is BE HEALTHY. I'm sure that we've all had those times where we think/worry about the numbers (how much we weigh, what size we are, etc.), and I definitely have..but those absolutely do not matter. The only thing that matters is that you are healthy, feel good, have energy, are eating enough, are eating the right things, and you are happy with who you are! I weigh between 160-165, I'm 5'8", and I wear a size 10-12. I'm not fat! I'm not rail thin..but I'm definitely not at all fat. All bodies are different! Don't have a goal that's a number; don't waste your time! Be happy with who you are, and know that you're beautiful! :)
It's rough, since being off the steroids I lost the weight (I'm about 125 and I wear a size 5-7)
I'm glad to hear that it's possible to lose weight once you stop steroids--even though I'm at a really low dose now my weight has been pretty much monotonically increasing since I started taking them a couple years ago and now I feel really fat even though I still have a few (6) pounds to go before I'm overweight :(
Evil little pills >:(
Oh god....
Story of my life. egaps, I think you and I are the same person.
I used to weigh about 126-130, and then went through a drastic weight loss when my parents split up while I was in middle school.
I was down to about 102, 103 for a while (I'm 5'8") and was diagnosed as "Anorexic"
No one wanted to be my friend and I have had virtually none of the male population even vaguely interested in me. I considered becoming a lesbian, contrary to my gut feelings for beautiful beautiful boys.
Then I realized: I was spending so much of my time comparing myself to other people that I had completely blocked out my own image for my body. I wanted to be thin, obviously, but I also wanted to be glamorous and sexy and healthily. That was the big one. I ached to be healthy. I wanted to live a long, long time and do something amazing with my life. I still do. That's why I finally gave into the entire world's pleads to eat some fucking food.
Now, all I ever think about is food. I've gained back a lot of weight, (I'm currently at about 116) and am still not used to looking in the mirror and seeing roundness and girlish lumps attached to my previously boyish figure. I'd gotten used to being a twig, and am still getting used to being female. I have learned to forward my constant thoughts of food productively though, and planned ahead what I;m going to eat at me next meal or next morning instead of just going and eating everything (and I mean anything) I can possibly think of right away.
As for being infertile, don't stress. I was without periods for about three years after I lost weight, and probably would still be if I hadn't started taking birth control pills. I don't know if that's the right solution for you, but it sure as hell worked for me (not that I LIKE having periods, but you know, after three years it is nice to know I'm still capable....)
Anyways, sorry for babbling on about about myself for eternity, I hope it wasn't too boring. I wish you the best of luck and love in the journey of body acceptance, and I urge to to give in the female side of you and learn to adore your curves. Trust me, they are worth it.
Thanks Cathie:) You're so quick to respond!
You sound like you're pretty small for your height though. I have lost touch with what normal for me is, or I am obsessed with being what I think "normal" for my age is.
Also, I forgot to add that I am 17 and have yet to start my period. That was hard to type. I don't know why...
I am undecided on having kids in the future, but come the day to decide, I would rather the decision not be made for me so I want to leave my options open. My family doctor, endocrinologist, and dietitian said that once I hit 120 lbs I would start it but I went the extra mile and here I am, still infertile. And yes, that is my justification for eating another oreo sometimes.
I hate growing up.
My advice here (from a perpetually not skinny vegan) is just to make sure you're eating healthy. Eat when you're hungry, eat balanced, fruit, veg, and whatnot. If you're not gorging yourself and you're gaining weight, c'est la vie. You might be your full adult height now, but chances are you don't have your full adult bone structure... hips get wider, and I think this will especially be the case when you do get your period. There's a certain amount of weight gain/size increase that's completely normal and healthy for adolescents, and you can expect it without feeling too devastated.
Do you suppose the reason for not having your period is that you weigh too little, or have you been vegetarian/vegan throughout your adolescence/childhood? Apparently girls on plant-based tend to get their first period later, right around 17.
Now, since you did say that you tend to snack on "junk," is it possible to get some of this stuff out of the house? I know it might not be so easy to do that if you're living with your family (who probably also eats the junk), but if you can't just ban the oreos and twizzlers from the house, you can try making fruit and other healthy snacks more available (i.e. buy lots and set it out on the table instead of the junk food). And, pretzels and nuts aren't reeaaally junk foods, provided they're eaten in moderation.
I know it's hard not to eat when stressed; most of us are trained to have food a secondary comfort (if you're sick, you get food. if you're having a crappy day, you have 'comfort food', and so on). If you're using the food to comfort yourself, maybe you could try something else to relieve your stress too? Like writing in a journal, crappy poetry, taking a bath, meditating, that kind of thing. These kinds of things never made my stress entirely go away enough to stop the temptation to use oreos to solve the problem (i love oreos), but it's helped.
Just a thought, I don't know if your family can afford it...but a compromise for you and your mom on the gym issue could be to have a personal trainer work with you. A lot of the certified trainers that are employed by the gyms cover ALL aspects of working out, from excercise, to food, to weight control (in your case, to not lose it, but turn it from "fat" to muscle), etc.... I think that just a free "introductory" visit with both you and your mom could help alleviate some of your mom's concerns with you going back to the gym.
I understand all of the pressures of being thin, and how important it can feel, but try to stay to a healthy ideal. Maybe try using a BMI calculator to estimate what that is. For example, at 5'5'' and 120, your BMI is 20, on the low end of a normal healthy weight. I know that this can be thrown off if you have a lot of muscle (would make your BMI higher than what it should be, but this is usually overestimated) but it is a good place to start and it alleviates the comparisons to other people and causes your goal weight to be a little more objective. Here's a web site: http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bmi-m.htm
I'm with Ally on this, though, eat good food (with some occasional fun food) and exercise moderately, then don't let your scale dictate your emotions.
How long have you been 120-125? It could take (speaking from experience) up to 6 months or so for your period to start once you've "achieved" the "goal" weight....
How tall are you?
I'm 5'3", and once again, at my *panic* weight of 104... I've found my "happy" weight is 112-115. After 5+ years of trying to gain weight, last year, I gained 15 lbs in less than 2 months and went from a size 2-5 to a solid size 8. I went from 108-125. It took me a few months for me to not feel depressed when I looked at my pants before I put them on. But my knees didn't hurt as much, I didn't get sick or cold as often, and I could once again go to work out w/o fear of losing "too much" weight! I personally like having a butt, and that little 'pooch' right above the hip bones, I fought hard to get that, it helps me to feel more "feminine". For freakish medical reasons, in the past month and a half, I've lost it.... Before, when I was 104/sz 2, I was proud of the fact that I stood out from the other 2's and 0's BECAUSE I had an ASS!!! Now I don't :'(.
Bottom line is, relax, don't believe tv/popular media as to what "normal" is....(technically, normal is actually obese now.... :-\ Which, from what it sounds like, YOU ARE NOT!!!!) Look for a happy medium spot. I second LA's comments about not obsessing over what you eat.
AND BE PROUD OF THAT ASS!!! ;) ;)b ^-^
You come to pinky's house, you'll gain weight/get your booty back. It's practically my specialty.
thanks for all the responses. You're all being really helpful.
I'm really just trying to accept where I'm at right now physically, because I know it's not worth the wasted energy I expend worrying about it. But it hits me when I change my clothes especially. I glimpse myself in the mirror and think "woof, you look like a hippo on steroids." Ugh. I don't really like not being able to see myself as others do. But I guess self acceptance can only make me tougher...?
A new liver is on the way for my mom, and within the next few days, she may have a surgery time scheduled. I live in Iowa with her, but the procedure is taking place in Nebraska at UNCC, so it's stressful not knowing when she'll get the call. I'm assuming it's soon, so the whole family is "on call" so to speak, to leave at the drop of a hat.
I think that this kind of stress is something that builds on itself and I wonder if that's part of being obsessive about my body. I used to think that I could handle it, go to school every day, work at night, come home, study, get five hours of sleep and start over the next day. But it got to me. I have missed a lot of school lately so that I can help my mom around the house, because it's just the two of us that live together. By the way, most of the time I want to slap her. Every mother is crazy to some extent, but mine is a psycho hopped up on hydrocodone. But I love her. . .mostly. ;)
I'm ranting. Bottom line: stress sucks and if you don't realize it's load on your shoulders it'll manifest itself as an ugly monster, i.e. Barney. . .on acid.
thanks for all the responses. You're all being really helpful.
I'm really just trying to accept where I'm at right now physically, because I know it's not worth the wasted energy I expend worrying about it. But it hits me when I change my clothes especially. I glimpse myself in the mirror and think "woof, you look like a hippo on steroids." Ugh. I don't really like not being able to see myself as others do. But I guess self acceptance can only make me tougher...?
A new liver is on the way for my mom, and within the next few days, she may have a surgery time scheduled. I live in Iowa with her, but the procedure is taking place in Nebraska at UNCC, so it's stressful not knowing when she'll get the call. I'm assuming it's soon, so the whole family is "on call" so to speak, to leave at the drop of a hat.
I think that this kind of stress is something that builds on itself and I wonder if that's part of being obsessive about my body. I used to think that I could handle it, go to school every day, work at night, come home, study, get five hours of sleep and start over the next day. But it got to me. I have missed a lot of school lately so that I can help my mom around the house, because it's just the two of us that live together. By the way, most of the time I want to slap her. Every mother is crazy to some extent, but mine is a psycho hopped up on hydrocodone. But I love her. . .mostly. ;)
I'm ranting. Bottom line: stress sucks and if you don't realize it's load on your shoulders it'll manifest itself as an ugly monster, i.e. Barney. . .on acid.
I don't remember anyone mentioning this (so I apologize if someone has), but have you tried practicing yoga? It has helped me a great deal with nearly every aspect of my life. I, too am a recovering anorexic, and I have found that a regular yoga practice has completely changed the way I look at food, my body; how to decide what I put in my body AND most important to me, how I see my body. I'm a lot heavier than I want to be, and I still have "phases" of not liking myself, but I now the ability to kinda "step outside" and say, "ok, these thoughts are not serving me...they are just trying to take over." It really helps! I'm not just talking about yoga poses...they can help, but reading books and even a little meditatation really makes a difference.
ah, the hydrocodone. My mom was on that for a while too... It's a pretty damn strong opiate... if she's acting unusual, the behavior's not her own. But considering the situation she's in, she's probably acting unlike her regular self already.
A lot of stress like this *can* push normal tendencies/minor things to the limit, e.g. obsessing about your body, but try to reinforce yourself positively. You might not be able to help thinking something negative as soon as you see yourself in the mirror, but counter your own thoughts. Tell yourself something positive about yourself (say it!) and say something positive about your body too. It can feel forced, but chances are you can find something you like about you and your body =)