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OMG this could work? NVR

Okay, just kicking around ideas thinking of things.

Dropping Mikey off at daycare hasn't gotten any easier, and I have been doing it for 7 months now.  Every day, day after day, week after week, month after month it is the same thing, he look MISERABLE when I drop him off, I am miserable, when I pick him up I am so happy to see him I could cry, and he is VERY happy to see me to, he runs to me and throws himself in my arms, if he can't get to me right away he cries.  I know this is probably normal, but it tears my  heart out every day and I hate it, just hate having to leave him at daycare everyday.  And everyday I feel more and more like "I would do anything to be a stay-at-home mom again!" 

Well, my son's father is comming to visit next month, and we are getting along better now.  He is even staying at my place rather then a hotel, and that is an improvement!  He desperately wants to be Mikey's daddy, I desperatley want to be a Stay at home mom.

Well, something happened, I got a HUGE tax return.  Now, the idea of moving in with him in Indiana (1000 miles away) and Mikey and I living in one of his other bedrooms  has come up, but was rejected because I had too  many bills. 

He is paying me $100 a week in child support right now but that isn't enough to cover the bills I would have if I quit my job and moved in with him, bills as in car loan, insurance and student loans.

Well here is what happened that is making me re-evaluate.  That huge tax return I got is going to pay off some of my bills, including my car loan.  That is $250/month!  That brings my bills down, but still more then what he is paying in child support.  So...I saw that if I use my state tax return I can pay off one of my student loans (I have 4), and then if I consolidate the other three I can reduce my payments by $100 / month, then with that one loan paid off that is $50/month less too.

Boom, now my bills are down to $300 / month from $700 / month.  His child support would cover that!  If we moved in with him in Indiana, and he continued to pay child support just as he is now, then it would work, financially that is. 

Now this guy has been my best friend for 14 years, but with the baby everything got messed up.  I was considering bringing this up to him when he visits next month. 

Is that a good idea?  Then I could be with Mikey, would have to drop him off at that DREADFUL daycare anymore!  We could be together, and he would have his daddy.  But would it work?  Him and I dont' really see eye to eye anymore, but for Mikey maybe we could make some comprimises.  Is that a horrible idea? 

It sounds better for your son IMO...  But just wondering... Do you ever see yourself getting back together with this guy? That could get complicated... Especially if you don't and you guys start dating other people or he get's serious with someone (you know how girls are she probably wouldn't be comfortable with it)... It does sound great for your son and maybe you could just get a part time job if you move there to pay for your bills, a job that would allow you to work only when daddy could watch Mikey... Geese I hope I don't have this problem when I have kids, I wouldn't want to leave them with anyone except trusted family members... People are crazy these days seriously.

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Oh and BTW would he have to continue to pay child support if you live with him? I wouldn't think so?!?

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Yeah, from my understanding, if he's living with you, then he doesn't pay child support.

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You sound a lot like me.  I worked full time the first year of Caitlin's life and was miserable.  Shortly after I divorced my *#@%$ husband I quit my job.  The first year was really rough, but now I have found a job that I can do at home.  It doesn't pay as well as what I was doing before, but I'm not spending almost half my check on childcare.  You also have to factor in meals at work, gas, work clothes, etc. into the equation before you determine the actual cost of being a working mom.  Living with the baby's dad would be awkward to say the least, and I don't know if I'd recommend that per se.  I can't really give advice on that without knowing both of you.  No matter what you decide, realize this may not be a long-term solution.  I also don't know what industry you work in, what your educational background is, etc.  It may take a while to find, but is it possible to do a similar job at home, even as a consultant or contractor?  You can also consider providing childcare for others as well.  This is just my opinion and I mean no offense to anyone, but I really don't see the point of having a child and paying some one else to raise it.

The childsupport question AML brought up is a good one.  I know he would if you were roommates, but if he is paying the rent and utilities, I don't know.  

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You know, I really like your guys responses.

I was feeling REALLY bummed out becuase I found a hole in my plan.  He has a room mate.  This is a woman, with a 5 year old daughter.  Now he swears up and down that she is only a friend and there is nothing between, and he SAYS that they don't even hardly see eachother because of their own work schedules.

But my hole in the plan came from this, she is paying rent, and I am sure that is how he can afford to pay child support.

Now, if I do move there, I would demand that she move out.  I am not going to live in that house with another woman, plus she is taking up the other bedrooms in his house, he  has a 3 bedroom house, and her and her daughter have the  two guest bedrooms.  But this means that he wouldn't be able to pay child support so that would mean that I would inded have to pay my own bills which means that I would have to have a job, but only a part time one. 

From talking to you, I think the best thing to do is to bring this up with him, and see what he thinks about it.  If we did work out some kind of arrangement where he was home with baby when I was working, and vice versa, that would be perfect. 

But the most important thing to me is for my baby to have what is best for him, and what is best for him is to be with me, not to go to that horrible daycare.  I can't tell you how much I hate leaving him there, just hate it!  I cry and he crys, and the look on his face when I leave, he is just miserable as he watches me walk out the door.  Poor little guy!

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When Noah was a baby, we tried a couple of day cares and felt the same way (we both had to work at that time). We had some really horrible experiences. We ended up finding a lady in her 50s who stayed at home and he went there. She was like a Grandma to him. He loved it! It was such a difference between that and the day care. I don't know how much you are paying, but a person in that situation might take less money than the day care. I think we paid ours 135 a week 8 years ago.

He didn't go to a regular pre school until he could talk-which makes a huge difference, because then he could tell us about his day.
He was 2.5, I think.

Now that I am home with Lyle, I SOOOO think it's worth it to be home. Luckily I created a situation where I can be home and then bring both boys to work with me in the afternoon. The money is much less than before, but like lbarte said, no daycare costs and the quality time with my babe.

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You all are making more determined to find a way to make this work because you keep saying the things the thoughts in the back of my mind keep saying.

I can't help but feel like I am leaving him with someone else to raise.  He is MY son, and I don't want no stinkin daycare to raise him for me, that is my responsibilty as his mother, one that I desperately want! 

And how much quality time am I losing with my precious one when I most likely will never have another one?  These years are so precious and I am missing out.

His daddy called me after I left a voice mail, but I couldn't talk becuase I am here at work, so he is going to talk to me tonight.  That lady is still living with him.  We didnt' have much time to talk about it.  I want to find out if they are in a relationship, because if they are, then this  won't work.  I made him nervous though because I told him I wanted to talk to him about something important but I couldn't tell him what it is.  He he, keep him on his toes.  Now I think  he would aggrivate me after awhile, but I will have my own room, so it won't be like we would be living in the same bedroom, and he works a lot of hours.  I will let you all know what happens after I get a chance to talk to him tonight.  Maybe this could work out, I love my son and I want to do what is best for him, no matter what the cost to me, he is worth everything sacrifice I make.

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SQ- I feel your pain...I wish wish wish that we could be well off enough to be a stay-@-home mom, and I spent many a morning sobbing in my car after leaving my daughter home with my sister or her dad...(which felt better than it being daycare, but was still super hard.)  Its gotten much easier as shes gotten older, even though there are still moments in the day when I start to feel overwhelmed with missing her.  I know nothing of your daycare situation, but I can tell you that a many children who have become upset when separating from a primary caregiver are showing signs of healthy attachment, which is normal and good....(OBVIOUSLY if you suspect he is unsafe, or being neglected, or mistreated in anyway trust your mother intuition....again I have NO idea what your situation is...) but just to ease your mind if you are suffering from the kind of mother's guilt I did.  Good luck with everything!

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I talked to him this morning about it.  He likes the idea.  He said that he would love for Mikey and I to live in his house.  But I am afraid that he already has excuses starting and this worries me.  His comment was, "this wouldn't be an immediate thing would it?"  I said  no, probably this summer some time but I do want to set an exact date.  He said that he isn't sure yet becuase there are some things he want's to do to the house first such as change the carpeting.  I am thinking, boy, he is going to delay and delay and he is always going to have some excuse as to why it can't be now.  I have a strong feeling that this will fall through because he will delay and delay and delay it to death.  We will see.

I had a dream last night that I climbed a tree, it was a large and pretty tree, at least I thought so at first, but when I got to the top of it I noticed that it was broken, and all the leaves were brown and dead.  This dream has a lot of meaning, it seems to go with my life, it seems everytime I get a great idea to make life better for both my son and I , something comes up and it turns into a "dead" end.  I am tired of being here alone.  If I had family or friends nearby, it wouldn't be so bad, but I have nobody, it is all square on my shoulders.

I realized that if something terrible happened and I died in my sleep, my son would probably die too of thirst because there is nobody around to check on me, to wonder where I am at, and it only takes three days to die of thirst.  Who would know that I am dead?  Who would come and check on me, or more importantly, my son?  Who would even notice that I am not around anymore?  This thought keeps haunting me, and I comfort myself anyway I can, even turning to a God I am not sure exists praying and praying that nothing happens to me, and that Mikey will be okay!  How do I take my mind of such dreadful thoughts?

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I am pretty much in the same boat.  It is hard to be alone.  If something were to happen to me, even if someone were to check on me, my daughter would end up with her father, which is worse than terrible 

I know "religious" comments are frowned upon around here, but I will pray for you. 

Worrying about every possibility tends to scare me to a standstill.  I just try to do the best I can with what I have and move on.  Honestly I type medical records for a living, and "well-loved" people with tons of family around tend to fell just as depressed, like they don't matter.  My advice is to get busy doing the best you can with what you have and come up with a positive out of every negative thought that comes to your mind.  If the problem persists or gets worse, you may want to consider getting help.  You have to take care of yourself for that baby.  It's a lot of responsibility, but also motivates me to keep going at times when I don't want to. 

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lbarte,

it is wierd that you said your daughters name is Caitlin and that you are divorced, that friend that my babies father has living with him has a five year old daughter named Caitlin, and she is also divorced.  I don't think she works at home though, I think she is an airplane mechanic and I have serious doubts she is vegan!  But it is so wierd!  You wouldn't happen to live in Indiana would you?... 

If you were that same lady, it wouldn't be the first time something really wierd like that happened.  I got connected with a best friend from high school whom I hadn't talked to for ten years while on a forum on another website.  It was a forum looking for advice about breastfeeding. 

Anyway, is there a way I can get on the bandwagon with that work at home thing?  How did you do it?  If I could work at home, I could  move somewhere where it is super cheap to live, closer to family or whatnot. 

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No.  I am not that woman.  We live in Central Illinios and live alone.  My ex has more kids than he can count, but we aren't talking about the same man.  You are blessed in that regard.  Lol.  It sounds like your child's father is a decent man.  Caitlin's father is an abussive alcoholic, but I won't go into it more.  (This could turn into my favority rant.) 

As far as working at home, I went to MT school.  I don't think I'd recommend it though, because it's really hard, aka near immpossible, to get a job without experience.  My job offer was a literal miracle.  I went to the wrong school which didn't help either.  If you do go that route, make sure the school is acredited by the AHDI.  Medical coding might be something for you to look into.  What kind of background do you have?  I'd start there.  There are more companies that you'd think that hire at-home workers because they generally don't have to pay benefits, don't need to provide equipment, and save of overhead.  It's funny.  I've worked for the same company for a little over a year.  I live 10 miles from my boss and in this small rural area I know we probably have crossed paths.  I have never met her and have no idea what she looks like. 

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