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My boyfriend sucks

I just got home from college summer classes about a week ago and have been baking up a storm (I loveeee to bake) I've made some seriously awesome cookies, banana bread, cinnamon rolls, brownies and even this amazing cake from Vegan With a Vengeance (which i was up till 1:00am baking!). My family couldnt even tell the baked goods had no eggs or dairy. The absolute only thing my boyfriend likes is the cupcakes that are loaded with sugar. He's turned his nose up at everything! Mind you he is an omni and when I talk to him about my veganism I can instantly see his eyes glaze over and his brain switch to "I do not care" mode. I get so angry and tell him: you don't want to know/see what's going on but you're going to shove that S*** in your mouth?!

We've been together 4 years this month and I have been vegan for about 6 months. He still goes to McDonalds, drinks a TON of soda (Like two of the HUGO drinks from mcdonalds in one "meal") and does not exercise at all. When we first got together, he wore a size L or XL shirt- he is now wearing a 4XL. I can't even stand to get romantic with him anymore because of his bulging belly and sheer yuckyness.

I guess i'm just ranting- but really, does it sound like a "me" problem or is my angriness justifiable?

First your in a relationship with him you  should support him. That's what people do together.

He sounds like an emotional eater to me that he burys his emotions in food.

I can't even stand to get romantic with him anymore because of his bulging belly and sheer yuckyness.

He came across as an emotional eater to me, too.  That's why I don't see the relationship as being healthy.  Anyone who would think it's okay to describe their SO as "sheer yuckyness" is adding to the problem.  A lack of common decency is a big neon sign that it's already over.

Edit:  superveg_n, I thought I'd clarify that I'm not describing you, but identifying some of what you're describing as common sympotoms of the ending of the relationship.  You come across as a nice, caring person.

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HH but they've been together for 4 years and she also said she just can't end the relationship it's not that easy because of the compassion she has for him about his past. That's still a choice whether consciously or unconsciously.

Now I'm not saying she should stay with him if a person is not happy it should  end period there's no reason to stay. I just think she knows she has a choice.

Have a talk with him saying veganism is part of me. When you don't try something that I bake it really hurts my feelings. You have to care about what I like to.

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I'm with you.  Relationships are hard sometimes.  You wonder why you're with someone and reassess the attraction.  If a person can rekindle their feelings, that's great.  I don't like to see relationships end, if it's a normal amount of disfunction.  There is dysfunction in 98% of relationships and it becomes something to work through instead of something to run from.  You're right about options.  So many times people think its them and a brick wall, but the options are there and ready to be exercised.

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Wow I had no idea this would elicit such a response from others. Im glad everyone is posting their opinion! I really appreciate it!

I guess it kinda makes me sound like a snob when I talk about his weight and belly. Really though, can you blame me? Not to sound crude or anything... but I don't wanna "ride the waves"  :-\especially when I know what he looked like when we first started dating. He's a big guy- 6'4 and could have some sweet muscles if he tried. Actually, it's not even about muscles. Its about being healthy. I love and care for him so of course I would want him to take care of himself.

When I went to run tonight I called him to see if he wanted to go for a walk with me (And I am by no means a walker- I flat out run). He said no and I asked why not... his response: "Because I don't feel like it." Guess what he did instead? Sat at home watching TV and a movie he's seen 4 times in the past month. Part of me doesnt even want to know what he had for dinner. I try to get him to cook with me at home so we can make dinner together- even if he does have meat. I'll make mine and he'll make his and that's usually a no-go.

Emotional eating is something I never even thought of. I'll mention that to him when I have a serious sit down talk. And I do support him- trust me- I'm one of his biggest supporters except when it comes to his eating habits. Even though I don't support his eating, I try to get him to take healthier alternatives. I'm completely positive some of his health issues would cease if he would take care of himself. He randomly starts sweating (I mean CRAZY sweating) in places where I'm freezing to death. His mother and father both have diabetes and i'm sure he'll develop that as well if he doesnt die from a heart attack first.

There are more underlying issues (good and bad)  in our relationship than i'm sure anyone cares to hear about, but I am taking all opinions and responses to heart. Thanks!

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Feeling sorry for your boyfriend is not reason enough to stick with him.  I am the poster child of why you don't marry a man you feel sorry for!

He may have had it hard in life recently, but why is it down to you to make up for it, or dishonor yourself by sticking by him?  We all deserve someone in our lives who honors our choices, cherishes that we are different, is open to at least listening to us and who loves us for the unique things we are.  This means, you deserve it too.  You don't owe this man anything, but you owe you a lot.  You owe it to yourself to be as happy as you can be.  You deserve to have your needs met and you deserve the positive attention you crave.  You are just looking for these things in the wrong place.

I think it is Einstein, but I am not sure...the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again, believing you'll have a different outcome.

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It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you, if he'd rather sit and watch an old rerun than go out and walk with you. (It's not like you're asking him to run as fast as you do, right?) He hides and withdraws from problems, "his eyes glaze over" as you say, and he tunes out. This is not a healthy basis for a longterm relationship.

Going into "I don't care" mode isn't helpful. He knows he has you trained,  you'll do the work of keeping the relationship going, and he can sit back and--well, whatever.

Think about where you yourself Want to be in say 5 years time, and where you can imagine being if you stay with him. Is that going to be a happy place?

I know from experience that good relationships have room for compromise, but you should be able to feel that, "well yes, it's a compromise, but there's a bit on both sides--and look what we gain." If it's you only doing all the compromising, it's no compromise--just giving up. And if you don't feel you're either one gaining anything (or both together)--not good.
Pity is not a sustainable basis for a relationship. It will lead to anger, resentment and hurt.
I think you need to do some serious thinking and make some decisions here. Be honest, react from the diaphragm--what would your Honest reaction be if he suddenly came to you and said, "I think we should see other people" or simply, "I'm done here"? Be honest. That will give you a good indication of where this thing is really going.

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OK, I’m just going to go off & tell you a story that’s not veg*n related at all….I was 17 when I had my first serious boyfriend, I was in highschool (and very good in school), he had already dropped out. Of course my parents didn’t like him but his situation was he dropped out of school to work & help his single mom take care of his bipolar/ down syndrome brother. Yes, his brother was a handful, yes his dad was a real a-hole, yes this guy had it rough at a young age. Especially compared to me with my “perfect” middle class family. Anyhow, We were in love & stayed together all four years that I was in college & about a few months after I graduated. He got increasingly clingy & controlling, we bickered a lot over things. I was stressed with college & working parttime. He didn’t like me to make new friends. I kept thinking things would get better. Once I graduated college & got a fulltime job, I was the breadwinner in the relationship AND did most of the housework & pretty much had no social life, I fell into a slight depression & realized that I didn’t want my life to be that way & finally left him. Yes, it was REALLY hard. I felt like he depended on me.  But that is not a healthy relationship. And it sounds like you are not in a healthy two way relationship either. People grow apart, its tough, but that’s life. It is not your job to take care of him. Please leave before you commit more time to him & regret not having some fun alone time while you are young.  He will probably also benefit from the breakup in the long run too because he will learn to be more independent.

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He totally hurt my feelings when i baked all that food (That seriously was pretty awesome) and he snarled his nose and didnt eat a bite!

Hi superveg_n, welcome to VegWeb, we are glad to have you!!  :)

I saw this quote and had to reply. I am going through this with my husband of 2 1/2 yrs right now.  I became a vegetarian last November and now everything I make at home is vegan.  My husband is not overweight but he's not in tip-top shape either.  He eats a lot of fast food, drinks more soda than he realizes and will not even try the food I make.  (Except enchilladas and un-cheesy lasgana) It hurts my feelings that he won't try the food, but I just try to reason that that is his issue. I think it is a power struggle we are going through right now.  It is his choice to eat McDonalds and Arby's and Taco Bell.  I wish I had some awesome advice to give you but I don't.  But sometimes it's nice knowing you aren't alone with your worries.  Just keep on doing what you are doing and try not to take his refusal of your food personally. Easy said than done I know. But as previously said, he is not your responsibility and you are not his therapist. But it sounds like he could use one.

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What I was saying is that if you're not attracted to him anymore, that's a reason to break up.  If you're indifferent to him to the point where you're derogatory, "sheer yuckyness" and "ride the waves", then it's time to end it now. 

He picks up on that attitude.  It's not good for you to stay in a relationship you've already moved past and it's not good for him (especially as an emotional eater) to pick up on your judgment of him and resentment of, what you make it sound like, being "stuck with him."  If you've both been growing apart and aren't intimate anymore, it's practically a friendship, anyway.  If you care about him as a person, you can still be supportive of him even if you aren't dating.

One way to support him is to support his self worth and move into a friendship place with him where you can come on here and point out all of his positive attributes and how you can help him attain heath instead of posting insults and about how you pity him.  It would be much better for both of you.

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OMG! You're super pretty, you bake and you're a vegan??? Can I date you??

Capture - your posts always crack me up! Can I adopt you?

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I have to agree with HH. 

I'm gonna be blunt.  I hope that I'm totally off the mark, but here goes...

I think the way you choose to describe your guy, someone you should love unconditionally in a good relationship, is quite derogatory.  It's fine that you are thin, pretty and healthy, and that you want to be with someone who shares those concerns, but the comments about his weight seem very shallow to me.  If it was just about him being healthy, you wouldn't write such negative, insulting comments about his body, which I'm sure would hurt him deeply, if he ever read them.  Your boyfriend seems to be going through troubled times, and if you don't care enough to be there for him - as a girlfriend or any real friend would, HE deserves better.  Health is important to sustain quality of life, but in a real relationship, it's not even close to being the most important thing.  If your longterm attachment to a mate is dictated by body type, the problem is with you, not your overweight boyfriend.  What if you were with someone who had a horrible car accident or got really ill?  Would you break up with him because he no longer looked great?  You seem like a "fair weather" partner to me.  (I hope that I'm wrong.)

Wasn't the post originally about you being hurt because you baked TONS of food for him, and he didn't try it?  Did you ever consider that he might not have been so keen to taste all the food because he's already worried about the fact that you want him to lose weight?  Baked goods aren't completely unhealthy, but it seems strange that you would bake lots of food for someone you want to drop a few pounds...

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And of course what you say, Operachic, makes sense. And really, I'm not as shallow as you may think I sound. I didn't base my relationship with him on looks in the first place.

I didn't bake all that food specifically for him- I did it for the plain reason that I like to bake. We also had a family get together while I'm home and everyone else loved everything I made- it was completely devoured. I also wanted him to understand that vegan food can taste the same (or in my opinion, better) than meat, dairy, and eggs will taste. But he is just being plain inconsiderate and won't so much as just listen to what I try to explain.

And I love my boyfriend, really, I do. But you can't sit there and tell me that going up a size for every year we've been together doesn't have an effect on sexual attraction. Or that the people you think are attractive are extremely obese? If someone doesn't even care about themselves- how are they going to care for others?

As far as the car accident or extreme illness, I see that as a completely different story. Those are unavoidable problems. With Todd's weight and health, he's doing this to himself.... a completely avoidable problem. Todd has a great personality- he's smart, funny, kind, and sincere. He's a very genuine man and I love that about him but he is really letting himself go and he just does not care about his health and it's becoming a serious problem, not just for me, but most of all for him. I hate to see where he's going to end up in 10 years if he keeps at this rate. I'm sure he'll die from a heart attack... and that's not exaggerating in the least bit.

Really... I'm not as shallow as you may think. I'm hardly a person to judge by appearances, but when it comes to my partner's health and his body I think I should have a say in some of it. You probably have no desire to hear about the intimate aspects of our relationship but when I have to do all the work because it's too tiring for him... well that should explain enough. And it's to the point he's just not overweight anymore- he's getting grossly obese yet he can shove crap in his mouth all day long..... I mean a TON of junk in just one sitting. I think my feelings are more along the line of the comment that when I complain about his health and weight it's because I want to be with him forever. I don't want him to kill over from being obese when it's preventable in the first place.

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... but when it comes to my partner's health and his body I think I should have a say in some of it...

I'm sorry, but no, you don't.  You have a right to express concern for his health, but you don't get to make decisions for him.

If you don't like or respect the decisions that he makes for himself, then you need to leave.  You both deserve the chance to be with people that fit your lifestyles.

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The delicate thing is how to get him to take better care of himself without making the situation worse.  Pressuring someone to be more active or lose weight usually has the opposite effect. 

If his eating really got our of hand once the emotional issues started to pile up on him, it's possible that the therapy could help tremendously, once he's ready.  I'm not sure it's so much a food thing as it is an emotional thing for him.  Keep reassuring him that you love him no matter what, and that you'd like him to take better care of himself...

Does he have any guy friends that could help you get through to him?

If he takes better care of his body, his mind will heal quicker, and vice versa...

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That's what i meant Tkitty... that's exactly what I am doing is expressing concern. I never tell him that he HAS to do things (well most things .... sometimes he HAS to go to my family's get togethers :)

I know if this were turned around on me (say I was the one becoming really unhealthy) he would have a fit. When I meant, and should have said is that
I should get to have a say in his health and body in the aspects that my concerns (and his family,friends, and my family) should have some influence on him because if he cares about any of us too, he'd at least listen.

In no way is he ever attacked about his weight (by anyone including his me, his family, or friends). I never make rude or derogatory comments to him. If anything, i hesitate to say something because he's so defensive. When you say that I should leave him if I don't like the decisions he's making for himself, I understand that, but when his lifestyle choices are directly impacting him in negative ways I can't just leave when I know he can do better. I know he wants to be healthier.... but like I said before, it's getting that flame under his bum to get him motivated and i'm still searching for the right way to do that.

I actually have thought about calling one of his guy friends and having them express concern for him as well.... but I really don't know if they'd do that. They have mentioned to me before about his extreme weight gain- so I guess it couldnt hurt to ask them to talk to Todd. Also, since he's going away to college in less than a week... i'm hoping that's the flame I'm looking for and he'll get active and see others there who share his interests, hobbies, and so on besides me.

Thanks for the advice!

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But honey, it is not your job to get "that flame under his bum."  It's up to him.

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I agree with Tkitty. This is a relationship, which means a partnership. You shouldn't have to act like his mom, making sure he eats right and exercises. That's something adults do for themselves - automatically. Or rather, they should do this for themselves.

Supporting him in what he does and his goals is one thing. Trying to get him motivated and change his eating habits is another. Chances are, if he can't get motivated for himself and change for himself ... he's not going to do it for you. And you won't be able to motivate him into it. His friends or his family won't be able to either. It just doesn't work that way.

Until he realizes that he needs to do this for HIMSELF - nothing will change. And the only way he will realize this is through self-awareness.  Either he will have that "a ha" moment one day ... or he won't. Some people never do. The biggest mistake is to believe that you can change him. That is a waste of time. I know SO many women who remain in relationships, hoping the other person will change. It never happens. Only he can change himself, and only when he wants to.

For now, obviously, he must be fulfilling some type of emotional need through his lifestyle. If it wasn't fulfilling to him in some way, he wouldn't do it. Will this continue for the rest of his life? No one knows. It's obviously been continuing for years now. It doesn't look like it's changing. If you're unhappy with who he is as a person, it's time to move on. It is not your job to change him, and trying to is a futile effort.

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But honey, it is not your job to get "that flame under his bum."  It's up to him.

Sometimes though, it's nice to have someone to try to motivate you to get going. I mean, seriously, how can a person be motivated to get up and exercise when their significant other doesn't do anything themselves? Sometimes a person NEEDS someone to help them light a fire under their ass!

Anyways.. 

Superveg_n, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about! I myself live a very active lifestyle (8 miles of running a day, plus the gym and weights, and varies of other sporting activies), and I can imagine how hard it would be having a boyfriend who doesn't want to do those things with you, or just isn't active. Luckily my boyfriend is just as active (or more, as sometimes I can't keep up with him), and I can't imagine being with someone who wants to sit on the couch everyday of every hour eating crap food and watching TV. For me, that's just not an option. It's not my lifestyle, and I don't plan on making it one. So I totally understand where you're coming from there. And of course you have a say in his health! After all, you're the one with him and standing by him. Of course you want nothing but the best for him! It makes sense to me. I'm the same way with my BF, as I KNOW everyone else here is the same with their significant others. Granted, you can't tell him what to do, but expressing your concerns and offering suggestions are completely different things. You're showing you care for him, and (again) want nothing but the best for him.

Anyways, if you want to talk about this more, feel free to e-mail me. It's just my user name at hotmail. Like I said, I understand completely where you're coming from!

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But honey, it is not your job to get "that flame under his bum."  It's up to him.

Sometimes though, it's nice to have someone to try to motivate you to get going. I mean, seriously, how can a person be motivated to get up and exercise when their significant other doesn't do anything themselves? Sometimes a person NEEDS someone to help them light a fire under their ass!

Anyways.. 

Superveg_n, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about! I myself live a very active lifestyle (8 miles of running a day, plus the gym and weights, and varies of other sporting activies), and I can imagine how hard it would be having a boyfriend who doesn't want to do those things with you, or just isn't active. Luckily my boyfriend is just as active (or more, as sometimes I can't keep up with him), and I can't imagine being with someone who wants to sit on the couch everyday of every hour eating crap food and watching TV. For me, that's just not an option. It's not my lifestyle, and I don't plan on making it one. So I totally understand where you're coming from there. And of course you have a say in his health! After all, you're the one with him and standing by him. Of course you want nothing but the best for him! It makes sense to me. I'm the same way with my BF, as I KNOW everyone else here is the same with their significant others. Granted, you can't tell him what to do, but expressing your concerns and offering suggestions are completely different things. You're showing you care for him, and (again) want nothing but the best for him.

Anyways, if you want to talk about this more, feel free to e-mail me. It's just my user name at hotmail. Like I said, I understand completely where you're coming from!

Agreed.  It's entirely possible that Ecstatic and Tkitty have never needed a good kick in the ass from a friend... but I have, and I'm extremely grateful for it.  Sometimes that's what friends are for, IMO.  And SOs even more so than "just friends".  If he's not into hearing it, then maybe the kick needs to just be that you leave him for this, that is, "I can't sit around and watch you do this to yourself, so, see you around."  Then he'll see that his unhealthiness is costing him not only his health but those he cares about.  I think sometimes that's exactly the role that a friend needs to play -- the role of ending the friendship.

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I hope starting college will lift his spirits a bit. 

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