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NVR - husband troubles

I have a question for you married people.  If your spouse is totally able to work (no physical or debilitating mental handicaps including drug addiction) and (s)he is really intelligent but has a really hard time getting a job and for the last ten years has been let go from every single one of the few (s)he's had, would you continue to stay with him/her?  At what point do you "pull the plug"?  This is not a rhetorical question but I'd rather not go into details.  I'd just like your thoughts on the issue.

I'd say first see what were the reasons that he was let go. All of them were layoffs then it's not his fault really. But if he was fired that's a different story.

Still though first talk to him does he like what he's doing and also tell him you have a responsibility in this marriage. If he doesn't like what he's doing I'd say give him one more chance like get him into what he likes.

Another thing make sure he is feeling okay that's it's not a physical disability. Alot of things could be invisible. Don't ask him that so he doesn't play you if he's that way, just let him talk and you can get an idea of what's going on.

Make sure he doesn't have an attitude problem at work.

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Is it possible (s)he finds it difficult to work in a team situation?  Perhaps starting his/her own business might be a better direction to go in

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I'd say first see what were the reasons that he was let go. All of them were layoffs then it's not his fault really. But if he was fired that's a different story.

Still though first talk to him does he like what he's doing and also tell him you have a responsibility in this marriage. If he doesn't like what he's doing I'd say give him one more chance like get him into what he likes.

Another thing make sure he is feeling okay that's it's not a physical disability. Alot of things could be invisible. Don't ask him that so he doesn't play you if he's that way, just let him talk and you can get an idea of what's going on.

Make sure he doesn't have an attitude problem at work.

He has been fired or told to resign or be fired in all but one of the jobs. That one job his supervisor (according to him) was making the work environment hell so he quit.   I can't go back in time and be a fly on the wall to see what his "work attitude" is.   But if  it's like his "chores around the house" attitude, I'd fire him too.    He tried having his own business and it failed too.

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Well there are some people who just don't get along but if it's happening alot it shows alot.

Talk to him bosses are the boss period. They pay you so you can listen to them case closed. They don't pay you so you can do whatever you want.

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TT,
That is my parents story in a way... I think it was that my dad hadn't ever (still hasn't) grown up in many ways. He's mature beyond his years in other ways. Basically my parents didn't divorce over that issue, but as you said if that type of attitude spills over into other areas it's like... GRR... I think my father's immaturity spilled over into another area... he ended up cheating on my mom... not saying that would happen to you... but just that ... how do I put it... it's hard to confine ants to one area of the kitchen... because on their way to the sugar bowl, they're gonna get into other thing besides JUST the sugar bowl... does that makes sense???? I'm sorry i know it's random...

"Problems" at work can lead to (or be the result of) other problems, mental, spiritual, physical...
I guess I'd just be sure to address the issue with him and set up boundaries and solutions. You have to decide what you want from him and then ask for it, you also have to decide what you'd do if he doesn't take actions in that direction.

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Well there are some people who just don't get along but if it's happening alot it shows alot.

Talk to him bosses are the boss period. They pay you so you can listen to them case closed. They don't pay you so you can do whatever you want.

His  job history is probably one of the main reasons why he's having a hard time finding a new job after the last one.  I'm at my wits end. I've suggested counselors and he did go to one at the VA but all that was about was bitching and moaning about how unfair it is to be  a Vietnam Vet.

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I've suggested counselors and he did go to one at the VA but all that was about was bitching and moaning about how unfair it is to be  a Vietnam Vet.

That might help though. It could be a start!
My mom (vietnam vet) started seeing a VA therapist and I'm sure it started as Vet stuff and now... 18 years later she's seeing the same Dr. (who was interning at the VA way back when and now has her own practice.. but the VA still pays for due to something) and I don't think the majority of sessions are dedicated to vet issues.

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You finally got around to it.  He has a bad attitude at home that likely extends to his workplace.  If that's true, it makes him selfish and juvenile.

Does he like his field?  Would he be interested in retraining for something else?  Maybe a swift kick in the head?  The flip side is that if you end the relationship, what does that mean to your quality of life? 

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Well there are some people who just don't get along but if it's happening alot it shows alot.

Talk to him bosses are the boss period. They pay you so you can listen to them case closed. They don't pay you so you can do whatever you want.

His  job history is probably one of the main reasons why he's having a hard time finding a new job after the last one.  I'm at my wits end. I've suggested counselors and he did go to one at the VA but all that was about was bitching and moaning about how unfair it is to be  a Vietnam Vet.

You tell if he has a problem with anybody with the company including his supervisor tell him to to go his supervisor's supervisor and complain, that's what they are there for.

Higher ups usually keep the order more in a company. But tell him not for every  nook and crany. Tell him to get it through his head they are the boss that should be his law if somethings unfair then tell him to go complain.

Tell him the war is over. Why does he say it's unfair? Just remind him that he has a responsibity towards the marriage.

Only you can decide what's right for you if your happy or not.

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I don't mean to be inconsiderate towards any vets god bless them they are the guardians of our country. But some people do need a good swift kick to the head to shake themselves out of it if that's all they needed.

But if you do that and he still talks about the war I strongly suggest in trying to get him some form of disability checks. Have him checked out for what is that called war trauma?

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Hi T, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. I agree with Jennifer that seeing the therapist  & talking about Vietnam is a good start. Would he consider going back to the therapist? One on one? Group therapy?
I am kind of going through the same thing with my oldest step-son. His job problems all stem from his drug & alcohol abuse.  :'( Hubby & I love him too much to watch him throw everything away, so we made the hard choice of letting go. He's 33 years old & if it wasn't for his twin, he'd be homeless. Please don't think that I am telling you to leave your husband.....only if your life was in danger would I ever suggest that to anyone.
I do hope that he can open up & be honest about this. Special prayer for you. Stay strong  :)

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I'd leave. One of the things I value is a strong work ethic. I'd have left after a year, though, if that was the situation from the beginning. I also strongly believe that love is simply not enough to make a relationship or marriage work. I've always said if the only thing keeping me with someone is love ... it's time to re-evaluate. A partnership must be based on more than one emotion.

But, obviously, that's just my own personality. What we can live with, what makes us happy, etc. is individual. Some people's vices are other people's virtues. For instance, I love a completely stubborn, almost arrogant man who doesn't hesitate to bodily haul me off into the bedroom when I'm being "bratty." ;) I can just see how his past girlfriend's would say to their friends "would you stay with someone who is arrogant?" Whereas I adore this about him, and have for years.

So, it's a question of whether you are happy and fulfilled. Whether this partnership is giving you what you want and need. If the answer is no, then it's time to re-evaluate.

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Not debating with you, Ecstatic - just giving the other side of the coin:

I am a working professional.  I've afforded, on my own, a house, a new car, stuff (I wish I bought less of it), and travel.  Someone bringing home another paycheck isn't that important to me.  Mutual support is more important.  It sounds like there isn't mutual support. 

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I have a friend who goes to counseling with his wife.  He doesn't understand that he's not considerate.  He has to write the issues down in a notebook with a plan of action developed by his wife and the therapist during the sessions because none of it's intuitive to him, but he's trying.

Does your husband know how critical it's become or is his coping mechanism ignoring it and hoping it goes away?  What if you just made the appointment?  Would that help get him through deciding to go in the first place? 

I don't like to see marriages end when they can be saved.  Also, if he doesn't have a steady job and you left, would you owe him palimony?

You're a completely awesome person, however this works out.

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I'm giving this opinion largely based on my own experiences with depression, so take it with some salt.  You really need to evaluate two things before making your decision.  The first, like Ecstatic says, is whether or not you are being fulfilled by this relationship.  It's possible that the things you loved about him have kind of worn out for you.  This seems kind of evident in the way you weren't exactly sensitive about his counseling sessions.  They may seem like nothing more than "bitching and moaning" to you, but that's how a lot of treatments start out.  It's possible that he is severely depressed and needs someone who is trained to understand to talk to.  I'm not sure, as a 24-year-old, I could ever tell someone I expected them to just get over their experience in Vietnam.  Especially not when I know what the debilitating effects of real depression can be.  It seems like maybe you're hurting both of you right now, if you're in a relationship with someone you can't find the energy to be understanding of, anymore.  You also need to realize, if you find that you have lost love for him, that it isn't your fault.  Needing to leave him for your own happiness when the whole relationship has fallen apart is not your fault, and nobody can judge your for your emotions, as long as you've given them thorough reflection.

The second, if you really just are at your wit's end, and you still have true feelings for this person, and they do make you happy except for the chores and the jobs, is: what is the source of his apparent attitude problem.  I would continue to send him to counseling.  What may look like bitching about some abstract thing to you may be opening up doors to real productive healing in a couple months- or years-time.  Even with modern medicine, rarely does psychiatry come with a magic pill that can turn your husband into your dream man over night, if he has been sufficiently hurt.  This is why you need to figure out the first part.  Are you getting what you want right now?  Do you have children?  Do you want children?  Are they getting/could they get what they need from him?  On one hand, you should understand that it's possible he didn't get the help he needed right away after he came home, and hasn't been able to get it since, and he needs someone to help him fight for his self back.  On the other, if you're not up for it, if you wouldn't be happy with him even if he magically overnight started doing all the laundry, dishes, and got a job and kept if for 10 years, it isn't worth the fight.  You need to let go, if that's the case.  You can continue to be a part of his support group without being consumed by it, as you are as his wife.

I've dealt with severe depression myself, and I've known a lot of people who let themselves get swallowed up in someone else's depression without really ever understanding it.  You can't be halfway about this.  I know you were looking for a yes/no answer from people, and I don't have enough information to offer that.  If you decide now that you love him --and love is not the same as a sense of duty or commitment or pride or stubbornness or refusal to fail your own standards-- you should offer to get him any kind of help he needs, or thinks he needs, or thinks would help.  This not only shows you support him, but it also means the only one he can fight against is himself.  Being able to imagine someone - his wife, the government, his employers - is fighting against him is going to give him too much excuse to fail.  It's very easy to fail.  If he gets scared when all that's left to fight with is him self, he needs to get over that at some point.  If he just gets sulky, then you know he doesn't really want to stop making excuses and you need to take that as it is.  Once you've done everything you can to help him, you'll be able to know if he's really going to fight for himself or if you should just let go.

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I'm not married, and I'm certainly not a relationship expert...

Have you told him that you're considering separation because of his slacker behavior?  It might hurt or anger him, but it might also be the kick in the @$$ that he needs to turn things around. 

He may indeed be depressed, and that is something he can work on, but the only way he will get better is if he has the motivation to cure himself.  Therapy and drugs only go so far...

In the end, YOU deserve to be happy.  If YOU can't be happy with him, leave and make a better life for yourself.  He may just be a dead beat loser, unable or unwilling to change.  That's up for you to decide, though.

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I have to say that I find some of these comments a little disturbing.  I've been a volunteer at my local VA hospital for about 14 years.  If you've ever talked to any veterans you would find that you just can't "get over" the war.  Some of these guys have fought their own personal "demons" ever since they came back from which ever war they were in.  Vietnam vets in particular feel they are treated "unfair" because of how they were treated after they came home.  If you were called a "baby killer", denied employment or treated badly after you'd spent years away fighting I'd think you would feel the same way.  It was a total 180 degree difference from the homecoming the WWII vets received after WWII was over. The American people treated the Vietnam guys as evil and it's not as if they really had a choice about going.  It definately sounds as if Tin's husband has a problem.  Does it sound as though it could be related to his military service?  Yes.  But that doesn't mean he would automatically recieve disability checks.  You have to go through a long process to determine that and how much you would be considered "service connected".

I would suggest that he (and Tin) go back to the VA so that he can get counseling.  She would be able to give the doctor's more information about any problems he is having and would most likely be an asset in his recovery process.  I don't think she should "dump" him until all options are looked at.  It's been my experience that the job thing is pretty common among veterans.  (I'm by no means saying all veterans are like this)  The VA has programs that can help.  Job training assistance, support groups, counseling, etc. 

Don't give up on him yet, TinTexas.  You could be the very thing that determines the success of his recovery.             

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Would I end my marriage over it... probably not.  Not without trying councelling first. Especially if my husband was dealing with bigger issues.

Would I be ticked-off and disgruntled... heck y'ah

Hope things get better for you and your husband.

K^2

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  You have to go through a long process to determine that and how much you would be considered "service connected".

It's not that long of a process if you do it right.
I have personal experience with this and if anyone would like info about how to do it message me.

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"The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't." - Baz Lurhman

This quote came to mind, but I actually agree with the consensus.

(((TinTexas)))

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PTSD and related mental disorders that can stem from war suck.
Good luck T. You're strong, you will make the right choice.
((((TinTexas)))

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