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Relationship advice..

So, if someone 'cheats' on you at a time when you weren't together, how do you get over that and/or should you get over it?

I'm only 21, and I know alot of women and men have gone through that kind of thing.  I guess I'm just looking for advice... did they ever cheat again?... are you still together?  is it worth it?

How is it cheating if you weren't together at the time?

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Thank you.
I was with this guy for about 2 years, still with him...  He just broke the news that he did fling with someone a couple of months ago when we were on a sort of 'break'
We were still talking and what not... I know he knew I loved him...

I guess I should just look past it.  I'm just a tad worried that he'll do the 'break' thing again just to have more flings...
Bodily stuff is really sacred to me...
lol
Sorry for sounding like a prune.

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Friends Flashback:

WE WERE ON A BREAK

Sorry, inappropriate, but it's the only thing I could think of.

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It's not prude-ish.

You don't know where he's been so to speak. If you take him back, make sure he gets tested. Let him know that "breaks" won't cut it with you. If he needs another break, then maybe it's time to break it off, for good.

And be up front about why his "break" hook up makes you uncomfortable. You won't be able to move past it, unless you bring it up and face directly. That means both on your own and with him. The last thing you want is for this to lie dormant and fester, and then whenever you have a disagreement, it comes bubbling to the surface.

That's what I've got, pre-coffee.

If it gets a little muddled there, you have my apologies.

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I totally understand how you feel--it can be very difficult to think of our loved ones being with outher people while we still have feelings and attachments for them. If yo ulove him--I say give him the benefit of the doubt that the two of you were in a mutually agreed "break" and try to let it go--however, if he starts "going on break" everytime a hot girl walks by--I would dump him asap!!!

((((hugs)))) think through your thoguhts and emotions carefully and try to be as honest as possible with him :)

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Thanks both Capture; and_it_spoke:  That's sort of what I was planning... because I still have compassion and care for him..  And maybe we are ten times closer now.
I'm scared in a sense that if I get mad over this he will run and do it again... but I also can't hold it in...
I am sad over it... I really did think we had so much more.

Oh and mdvegan, that's what I was thinking when I typed it.

I hate all that traditional bull crap ,but it seems like I always somehow fall into it. :(

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I'm scared in a sense that if I get mad over this he will run and do it again... but I also can't hold it in...
I am sad over it... I really did think we had so much more.

Just make sure you address this. Ask yourself why you feel this way. Ask why he felt that was the way for him to react. Talk it out and try to achiev understanding of each others perspective.

You're never in the wrong for feeling a certain way - remember that. You are only in the wrong when you won't examine why. Once you understand the reasons behind your feeling, those feelings may change.

Quote:
I hate all that traditional bull crap ,but it seems like I always somehow fall into it. :(

There's a reasonw hy there are so many tortured love songs out there...

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If he thinks he can use your fear he will "run out and do it again" as a justification for running out and doing it again, dump his tail.
And if he asks for another break, break it. He's so scared he's missing out he can't see what he's got.

Don't waste your time. Yeah, you care and all, but you have to think about you first. If you're on a knife's point the whole time, he is playing you and making YOU feel guilty and responsible for HIS behaviour.

And this makes sense how?

26 yrs of marriage, not a moment's infidelity on either side. Just my two cents.

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26 yrs of marriage, not a moment's infidelity on either side. Just my two cents.

Yea, that's what I want!  Right there!  I feel like I need to leave now because I want a love that's completely true.  Even if it was technically a break, I want someone to love me enough not to want to try other people.

But I'm also not sure if maybe I'm being unrealistic.  Maybe I've watched too many love movies... maybe its just something that I have to go through...
I don't know.

And btw, I really really appreciate you all being here and helping me.  I feel lonely from this.

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I am not big on jealousy. I'm also not big on "cheating." My thoughts are, if you want to be with someone else, just pack your things and go.

I've said that, and I've had a guy go. It hurt. It really hurt. I was about your age at the time. But things are much simpler when you just lay down your expectations and have an honest, mutual understanding.

My boyfriend and I met over the internet and our first 3 years or so were long-distance. I never "cheated" on him, even when things got hard and we broke up for a time. The thought crossed my mind "Well, I can do what I want now" but the furthest I went was giving another guy my phone number... which I ended up wishing I hadn't done anyway.

As far as I will ever know, Josh has been completely faithful to me, too. Even when we broke up for a time. Even when I refused to speak to him for over a month (long story). He loved me, I loved him. We had some problems to work out and we had some heartache. But that didn't change the way we felt. We both felt like we had an obligation to respect what we had (and still have). Not just throw it away on a one night stand or something.

You have to decide for yourself what you can forgive. I personally expect from Josh what I expect from myself. He knows that. We've talked about boundaries, and we've talked about respect. We each know where the other stands.

You've got to decide if you're going to be able to forgive (and forget, because if you dwell on it you'll never forgive him), and you have to talk to him about why you're hurt and what should happen in the future. Every relationship has its obstacles, but (and I sound so friggin old saying this) you are only 21. If he's not THE guy for you, it's not the end of the world. There are really sweet, loving, considerate guys just waiting patiently for the right girl to walk into their life.

At 21, most girls are in stupid relationships with jerks and bad boys, and thinking that's the way to go. So, poor nice guys just hang around and wait for us chicks to grow up and realize what we really want- to be loved and respected.

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26 yrs of marriage, not a moment's infidelity on either side. Just my two cents.

Yea, that's what I want!  Right there!  I feel like I need to leave now because I want a love that's completely true.  Even if it was technically a break, I want someone to love me enough not to want to try other people.

But I'm also not sure if maybe I'm being unrealistic.  Maybe I've watched too many love movies... maybe its just something that I have to go through...
I don't know.

And btw, I really really appreciate you all being here and helping me.  I feel lonely from this.

You're not being unrealistic. Unrealistic is expecting the exstatic shivers you get from the first handholding/kiss/sex to last forever. Unrealistic is buying into Disney's version of happily ever after. But unrealistic is also the person who thinks that the grass is always greener somewhere else, and that they should have an infinite number of "do overs" on your time! That you will always come a-running the minute he crooks his little finger. That kind of crap is for blues songs.

Realistic is knowing what your values are. It's living for the long term, not just a one night stand. And if he can't measure up to that, best you know that this side of the altar. My old mother used to say, "Engagements are made to be broken." Better you should break up now than when you have a couple of kids in the equation. My nephew is 41, a spoiled only child,  and just broke up with his girlfriend of several years' standing because he couldn't commit. And because he was quite happy to let her work full time as a graphic designer while he played around with temporary part-time work in spite of having two university degrees, and let her pay all the bills for both of them. She suddenly realised she was gonna get zilch nada out of this dude, and that it was getting a bit late to wait...and he is now alone. Well done, say I.

Sex, even great sex, doesn't last forever. But if a good relationship is built on mutual respect and friendship, you will always have something more. (And on that basis, btw, the great sex lasts a LOT longer than otherwise. TMI: only over the last 3 years or so has it dissipated in our case, but hey, the man is in his mid 60s, he's allowed.)

You are not in the wrong, here, teade. I just want you to know that. Sounds like your "guy" wants to put you in the wrong and therefore excuse his infidelity and commitment phobia, but it is sooo not your fault. Bridget Jones would call it "fuckwittage" and Capture seems to have named it "being an assmunch." I'll go along with that.

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Yea, that's what I want!  Right there!  I feel like I need to leave now because I want a love that's completely true.  <b>Even if it was technically a break, I want someone to love me enough not to want to try other people.</b>

I think you answered everything you wanted to know with that one phrase.  He obviously has not lived up to your expectations (and no, they are by no means unrealistic).  I think if my boyfriend, whom I also consider my best friend, were to start chasing tail the moment we had a break it would only prove how disposable I am and how quickly he could push me out of his mind for a brief pleasure with another.  In the end, I wouldn't want someone like that as a friend or by my side.

It might be tempting to simply forget what has happened in order to avoid the immediate pain of dealing with a break-up but also think about yourself in the long run.  I wish you the best :)

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I think Yabbit and I are twins.

Only, I'm pretty sure she's the older twin.

Okay, at least we're kindred spirits! Yabbit, I want to be just like you when I grow up!

:)>>>

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Actually, I'll tell you the best advice my mom ever gave me about relationships:

Never date (or stay with) anyone you wouldn't marry (you know, forever).

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I think Yabbit and I are twins.

Only, I'm pretty sure she's the older twin.

Okay, at least we're kindred spirits! Yabbit, I want to be just like you when I grow up!

:)>>>

Oh yeah, so much older. I think I'm probably old enough to be your mom, too. I could certainly be Melthibs'.

Oh so you are the daughter I never had! Welcome home!  :)>>>

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Yea I had that happen to me pretty much exactly like that, it hurt like fuck. After a year and a half he said he couldn't be with me and went and slept with my best friend. He didn't tell me, SHE didn't tell me, all my other friends knew and didn't tell me - so when he came around and "had been so miserable he wanted me back" I said yes and then found out what had happened a month later and had not a single person to turn to because everyone close to me had deceived me. So I ended up staying with him for another year because I somehow still loved him and had no one else left.

Basically that entire relationship was unheathy, manipulative and abusive - so be wary, I guess, that he exhibited that behaviour. To take a break so that he can go have sex with others then pick you up when he feels like it IS manipulative behaviour, it's not respectful, it's self centred, please be very careful because it can progress further before you realise it. I was very young, you sound a lot more switched on than I was, so I trust that you will make the right decision for you. Just throwing my 2 cents in. Good luck with the hard choices, I'm sorry you've been put in this situation :(

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Thanks everyone so much.  I don't think I would have made it through today without reading the advice and knowing more was to come.
I woke myself up and realized that I'm not the blame and that I must confront it!
Thanks!  I don't feel bad anymore.

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Thanks everyone so much.  I don't think I would have made it through today without reading the advice and knowing more was to come.
I woke myself up and realized that I'm not the blame and that I must confront it!
Thanks!  I don't feel bad anymore.

I obviously don't know you but never sell yourself short.  Please don't settle for anything less than true love.  So many people are terrified at the thought of not being in a relationship and ultimately, choose someone that they probably should have never gotten involved with.  The kind of love you desire is very rare but worth the wait.  If this guy is in fact, not the one, at least it will make you more in touch with your feelings and help you learn what you really want in a relationship.  I promise you, there is a special angel out there just for you and you will be perfect for each other.  Small steps and patience...the rewards will be your's.  :)>>>

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I promise you, there is a special angel out there just for you and you will be perfect for each other. 

Sometimes they look more like cats that people, though.  :)>>>  :cat2:  :)>>>

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I promise you, there is a special angel out there just for you and you will be perfect for each other. 

Sometimes they look more like cats that people, though.  :)>>>  :cat2:  :)>>>

Don't I know it?!!  I knew I could count on my favorite cat girl!  ;)b

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