Hello everyone!  This is my very first post.  I did read other conversations related to vegan/nonvegan mixed relationships and some of it has been insightful -- especially in learning that other people go through what I go through.  Here is my story, as it has been panning out lately:

I was always a vegetarian, but became vegan after becoming engaged to my fiance.  Funny enough, in trying to lose weight for my wedding, I read Skinny Bitch.  ;D That was an instant removal of the proverbial wool over my eyes, with regards to eggs and dairy.  At first it was an issue between us and we had some fights about it.  I cleared out my fridge and cupboards, and then began cooking all vegan meals.  Eventually, he realized there was a lot of tasty food available, and we both were losing weight.  In fact, we were both in the best shape of our lives when we got married.  He eats vegan almost all week because I am the one making the food and because he does appreciate the nutritional value.  He eats meat when over a friend/family's house or at restaurants.

The issue has been family and the fact that people do not come over for dinner at our house because of my veganism (or so he believes).  Most specifically it is in regards to his parents.  I gave up inviting them to dinner about a year and half ago because they were evasive about it -- they always seemed to be "busy" or said "why don't you come here instead?"  Lately, however, my husband is revisiting this issue because he knows his brother who lives a mile away from us has the parents over all the time for dinner.  It hurts my husband that his own parents have not accepted our invitations.  Granted, it has been a while since either one of us bothered trying, but my husband has turned his anger about this on me now.  He wants to have them over and serve them meat because he "lives in this house too" and is "not a vegan."

I tried very hard yesterday to use some non-violent communication strategies and really hear him out.  I didn't say a word for almost an hour, just listening, asking questions to get more insight, and repeating back to him what I thought he meant -- until I understood.  I learned some fascinating things, like the fact that he really seems concerned about pleasing his parents and worries about what they think of him (that could be an issue in and of itself).  And most significantly, he is tired of being "the middle man" torn between what his parents think and say and what I think and say about veganism, food, etiquette, what's wrong and right within a family, etc.

But, when I asked him to please hear me out, I did not get the same response.  He wasn't really listening, and just worried about what he wanted to say next.  I wanted to communicate to him that I deal with the death that meat-eating symbolizes every day at every restaurant we go to, every family event, and even every grocery store I must shop at.  My home is my only place away from all that and I'd like to keep it that way.  I know that when I am out for a girls night he cooks up hot dogs and has beer with his buddies.  But if he has his parents over, and I am going to be there, I don't want the meat there.  I tried telling him that what I see through my eyes is a corpse on my dining room table and my dinner plates.  I even compared it to the day we saw a whole pig roasted (pigs are the one animal he won't eat for ethical reasons) in which he remembers being grossed out. 

Wow, my post is getting really long.  Sorry.  Ok, let me wrap it up.  Putting aside the obvious issues he has with worrying what other people think, etc., I am actually thinking of confronting his parents about this problem.  I want to know, once and for all, are they avoiding my house because of me? my diet?  the lack of meat? or some simple misunderstanding?  Is this really a problem or is my husband simply assuming that's why they won't come?  If my husband is tired of being the middle man, should I step up and talk about this directly with my in-laws?  Should I tell them to direct any complaints or questions about veganism to me?  Should I admit to them that this is upsetting their son and causing us to fight a lot?  Should I tell them to butt out?  Should I admit to them that the reason we haven't produced any grandkids yet is because my husband worries so much about what to tell the family when I inevitably raise them vegan?  Should I tell them exactly what it is I see when I see meat on the table?  Should I tell them how much it hurts my husband that they don't come over?  Should I tell them we (or more specifically I) feel rejected and not a part of the family because of this? 

This is a real mystery to me.  I have said to my husband, I'll cook anything they like in the vegetable realm -- let's at least give it a try, but he seems so convinced that they won't be happy -- even though he can't (or won't?) tell me of any specific past event in which anyone complained about my food (I bring food and desserts to other people's houses all the time), or specifically said they wouldn't eat at my house.  What he believes, and vaguely led on to imply that one of his parents said this, is that because his parents accommodate me at their house, I should accommodate them at my house.  I don't think that is fair, and both he and his parents don't understand the accommodation concept -- I mean, if they accommodate me by supplying food that doesn't upset me, why would I accommodate them precisely with the food that upsets me?  If it worked like that then the food wouldn't be upsetting enough in the first place.

Has anyone else dealt with in-laws or other family and friends who don't want to come over?  I really could use some advice!  :-\  Thank you.