Need some input on a situation...
Hey vegpeople, you're all dead smart and empathetic so I'm asking for either advice or reassurance, not really sure what. This needs background so get some popcorn or something.
So, I study in Manchester but my parents home (and my holiday home) is about three and a half hours by train away in Bristol. My boyfriend currently lives and works in Bristol. We got together nearly four years ago when I was at boarding school in Wales (I know, bear with me!) but we were pretty young and he was having a rough time at university and things didn't work out. Fast forward to my first year of university and we try again; this time we've been together nearly 3 years and couldn't be happier. I just spent a year abroad in Russia and it's so great to know that this really stressful and difficult period is over for us.
Here's where it gets hard. He dropped out of uni the first time round for a number of reasons but I persuaded him to pay off his student debt early so if he did want to do anything he wouldn't have that hanging over his head. Like a trooper he's paid it all off plus saved a fortune and last year he decided to return to uni to train as a teacher (what he wanted to do before his dad said it was women's work and put him off totally). I'm dead proud of him; his parents don't like him going into further education but he's made the choice, got the money, applied, and he'll start this September.
In Manchester.
The abuse I have got for this has been unbelievable. My mum and dad originally warned me not to get our lives too intertwined which a year ago made sense, so I took the advice with a pinch of salt. Then last Christmas I overheard his mum talking to him in the kitchen and asking him if I was really the kind of girl he wanted to be with. Now one of his friends is getting on my case. "So, you've only got one more year of your degree then you'll move out of Manchester and leave him lonely?"
James told me that he liked both Bristol and Manchester unis pretty equally and the only deciding factor was that he'd rather have one year living in the same city as me than another four in a different place. As it happens, I'm staying on for a second year to do a Masters, but whatever the case we will finally be in the same place for some time. To me, that is the end of it. He is an adult who has made his decision and I was explicit from the outset that he had to want to live in Manchester on it's own merits, and that he could never use the phrase "I moved here for you" in a fight.
The closer it gets the more I'm getting painted as the cold, ambitious bitch who's making him move to where I am then leaving to pursue a career. I have never pretended that I will let my future be compromised by who I am in a relationship with, but equally I won't be callous about it either. For my own sake I need to go where the work is and James understands that.
Am I seriously being stupid here? Should I have flat-out told him to stay where he was? It's too late to change anything now but I'm really sick of getting hassled for this decision and then people telling me they're "just looking out for a friend", as if I don't have his own interests at heart just as much.
Sorry about the essay, just had to get this off my chest to people who aren't my friends or his friends.
He's free and over 21, he's old enough to make his own decisions. If he allows himself to be guided by what Mummy or his mates say he should do, you are not the one with the problem. I think you should do what's best for you--you can be sure he will do whatever makes him comfortable.
You have every right to study in Manchester or in Timbuctoo if that's where your programme takes you. The ones with the problem are people who are not directly involved. It sounds like his Mum doesn't like you much, and his friends probably feel you are competition, after all "you are taking him away" from them. Yeah. Right.
It's your call, but if it were me I would go by what he decides. If he is still tied to Mummy's apron string, he may not be the fellow you thought he was.
Do what you will wish you had done when you're 80. Life is a one-shot deal.
It sounds to me as though you handled the situation as intelligently and as cautiously as possible! I don't think it's fair that people are hassling you over this--like you said--he is an ADULT! He made these decision on his own--did you give him input? Yes--of course you did--you're his girlfriend--that's what you are supposed to do! These people are making me mad--I want to come over there and give them a booty kicking for being such asses to you--you soooooo dont deserve that!
I truly hope that you and James get along famously and prove everyone wrong! Enjoy finally having some time together and don;t let all these naysayers ruin your love :)
You're awesome! ;)b
Wow that is bizarre. ummm why do so many people seem to think they have a say in where he lives? It's his descion, not yours, his mom's or his friends.
Normally, I don't reccommend anyone going into college to be in a relationship but that's just because of personal experience, I was in a really unhealthy relasionship and too niave to realize it.
If the two of you have been otgether for so long and never lived near eachother before, I think it will be good to test it out. Maybe being together too much will stress you both out & you'll break up, or maybe you'll get along wonderfully & you'll even find work near manchester when you graduate. You'll never know unless you try. Tell everyone else to butt out and worry about their own lives.
it's no ones choice but his own. he chose to go to uni in manchester himself, you didn't make him. i wouldn't feel bad about it.
Wow that is bizarre. ummm why do so many people seem to think they have a say in where he lives? It's his descion, not yours, his mom's or his friends.
You'll never know unless you try. Tell everyone else to butt out and worry about their own lives.
I second this! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. No, you're not a stone hearted bitch! No, you aren't "stealing" him away from his loved ones! Remember he's an adult with free will. As long as you continue to tell/encourage him you want him to do what is best for him, in my mind there are no problems.
If its any help at all, my sister and her boyfriend (now fiance, they got engaged like, three weeks ago) have NEVER lived in the same state in all the time they've been dating. They went to different colleges, she went to London to study, he went on to grad school, got his master's and was considering going for a doctorate, she got a good job she likes, and things worked out for them. He just moved to KC (where she lives) with a GOOD job at the beginning of the summer, but it was a long time coming and they both pursued other things that were important to them (i.e. jobs, education, family obligations). They have dated for six years and it will be almost seven by the time they get married. She'll be 26 when they're married.
I'm proud of her. She's a no-nonsense kinda gal, (which, sounds like you are too) and they've always had good communication (again, sounds like you're covered here). I think that as long as you both keep the lines of communication open, are honest with each other and yourselves, and take your time in deciding what's most important to you, it will all work out for you.
****As a side note: I think its really funny that my sister and her fiance still don't live in the same state. They've been varying degrees of 3 hours to 8 hours apart the whole time they've been dating, and now they finally live in the same CITY, but she lives on the Missouri side and he lives on the Kansas side.
****As a side note: I think its really funny that my sister and her fiance still don't live in the same state. They've been varying degrees of 3 hours to 8 hours apart the whole time they've been dating, and now they finally live in the same CITY, but she lives on the Missouri side and he lives on the Kansas side.
The wife and I dated for 4 years before we got married, the first 6 months we lived in the same street, (we got engaged after 3 months) the next 3.5 years she was in Ohio and I was in England!
Wow, I am so sorry you have to deal with his family and friends' nonsense!
You have nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever. He is a grown man and made his own choice on where he'd like to go, Manchester. It's such a shame that his family and friends are not being supportive. It sounds like they just want control over his life. I think he made a wise choice to move away!
You both just need to live your lives and do what's best for you. Don't worry about his busybody family. Hopefully, once they see he is serious and happy, they will get a clue!
I wish you and your boyfriend the very best of luck!
If there were two programs that were equivalent, I'd choose the one where there's someone I know. Even if it's not a relationship. In the next year or two, he'll develop friends in his program, if nowhere else. The transition between moving and developing friendships is usually lonely. Having you there for a year or two is awesome for him. I don't understand why everyone is freaking out.
Oh, guys, thank you all :)>>>
Really this is stuff I knew but I suppose I just needed some outside opinions to make sure I wasn't going insane. At the end of the day, we have definitely one, and probably two years of being in the same city and if he can't make some friends in that time I despair! Fortunately he is dead set on his choices and isn't listening to the rubbish his parents and friends are giving us.
I feel so much better :)
Glad you feel better! The situation sounds perfectly fine to me also- from what you're describing James sounds like a great guy with a good head on his shoulders.
;)b